Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (Full Version)

All Forums >> [News] >> Family Issues



Message

ArticlePost -> Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (3/12/2009 12:44:53 AM)

Parenting your own children is difficult enough even under the best of circumstances; however, trying to raise the children of your spouse or partner from a previous marriage or relationship is a trial by error task at best. With more and more marriages ending in divorce, the blended family is quick

Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof
http://articles.familylobby.com/434-Blended-Families:-Merging-Two-Families-Under-One-Roof.htm



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (3/12/2009 12:44:53 AM)

wow tell me about it.this is my life.i have 3 stepchildren and 3 of my own.two of which are from a previous marriage. we have been married for 7 years and are still having poblems with his 2 children. it has really put a major wall between my husband & i. we try our best to deal with them but the toll of fighting with them has caused us to think about divorce.this is a big problem and we have even been through conseling nothing works...they want us to get a divorce so they keep pushing. we do try to work together but sometimes it is difficult there is alot of taking kids sides.this is a very hard thing to do. everyone tells me they don't know how i do it.but i don't know how i do it myself sometimes. it gets harder everyday. all i can say is take your tim before you rush into this!!!

suzieq



ChristineB -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (3/12/2009 8:53:15 AM)

My boyfriend and I are raising his 3 year old grandson. We love having him and he teaches us something new every single day!



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (8/3/2009 1:48:05 PM)

uh, hellllooooo Chrintine B... The article is about two families (each with kids) blending together, not you and your "boyfriend" (not even married) playing house with 1 (count 'em, ONE) baby... that is a far cry different from having multiple children from different parents living together.. especially when they pass the "Aaaaaawwww, how cuuute!" stage and move into the "Mom, I know what to do stage!" - oh but wait, that other kid over there, who isnt even her own brother, is breaking her toys and making a mess - "Mom!!!,,, do something"! but then there's "hey!, dont tell me that my kid that he's acting out, he's only 6, and boys will be boys! - look at your kid first..." (whew) Live with that for a while (try a few years) and get married to, then get back to us and tell us what wonderful new things you are learning everyday (how cliche'). Thanks!

ceencee



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (8/31/2009 10:30:46 PM)

Though a little bit agressive, Ceencee's comment is a hard truth concerning blended families. The conflict that can arise between partners that love eachother and have set out with the best of intentions, is sometimes enough to cause major dispare and thoughts of quitting my new family and role. I often think about the struggle it is for my 4 y.o. daughter, moving into her stepfather's house with all of his kids and our new baby, and the guilt can bring me to tears. The guilt that she is loosing, that we are loosing, on the days when it doesn't feel like we have gained anything but more laundry and noise. I often wish I had done a little research before jumping in.... Like a google search on blended families!Don't want to scare or seem negative, but definately think 'er through!

Seraph



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (9/20/2009 5:13:31 PM)

Wow I’m not alone… I’ve been married for four so far. I came in the marriage with four children by two different fathers. My husband entered this marriage with three children, by three different mothers. In the beginning my husband seemed to take care of any problem before I even knew there was even an issue. My children have a wonderful relationship with my husband, and we are a happy, united, well balanced family when his kids are not here.Now the issue is with me, my children and his kids. Any interaction that I have to have with his children is just dreaded at this point. My husband only has his kids every other weekend, so most people would think I have it easy, but that is far from the truth. It almost seems like as time goes on things continue to get worse rather than better. His oldest primarily lives with mother and she is the one that allows him the freedom that supports his behavior. My issue with his oldest son which is now 15 years old is that he has managed to get two different girls (cousins) pregnant; he has an 8 month old daughter, and one on the way. He is a sophomore in high school has horrible grades, doesn’t support his first child, and continues to do absolutely nothing with his life. He is full of lies. He lie’s to both of his parents about anything everything, and gets away with everything. This child is the one that has put the majority of the strain on our relationship. I get so angry with my husband, because he doesn’t do anything but support his son’s bad behavior to say the least. I am just sick of it.His second son is 14 years old and only comes over every other Saturday. He is very distant from everyone except his father and his two brothers.His youngest son is 11 and easily lead by his brothers and what ever is their behavior at moment. I have tried over and over again to speak to my husband about things, and it seems like he understands my points when we are talking, but then the next time something happens he reacts completely opposite.I am tired of his children coming in between our relationship every other weekend, we fight half way threw the week. Get everything back on track in time for his children to come over again.I love my husband with my whole heart, but I don’t know how much more I can take, or how many more grandkids I can handle at my current age of 30. SOOOO seriously, think about things before you decide to blend families.

Erica Ponder



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (11/1/2009 4:47:12 PM)

I need help! Im dating a very nice man. He has a 17 year old son that lives with his mother as of recently. I have 3 girls. 17,14, and trailing behind is the 5 year old. It's not the kids that seem to be the problem. It's the ex wife that he was married to for a very short time 15 years ago. We have talk about me moving in with him with my girls. Every one in a little nervious but excited to. We made our desision to merge our families at the 1st of the year. Just a few days ago his ex called him to tell him he needed to keep their son at the first of the year for 3 weeks. She going to be leaving for out of town. I cant help but think she planned her trip for that time frame because we were moving down. I can't ask my girls to make this move get used to a new home and school. plus all the day to day of getting to know each other with his son sleeping on the couch while my daughter now has "his" room from when he did live there. What do I do. I don't want to put it to him as it's either his son or us. Thats not right. But i don't want to put off our life together because of his ex either. She'll just keep doing things like that. Now what????

Leah



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (2/11/2010 10:54:45 AM)

Hi I really can identify where you are all coming from I really can- But some of you have to read over what you are saying about these children, you are blaming children for their actions and well maybe yours. Ie the 15 year old with 2 babies- His father has 3 with 3 diffrent woman? no offense but whats the diffrence between him and the man you are with? I have a 17 year old boy and struggled with his father getting married to a woman who wanted to control my son- and I tried to stop dealing with her - I didnt have a child with her therefore it was justifiable to me to not communicate with her. Now into my own merged family with my son I am marrying a man with 3 children all from his marriage ages 8-11-14 I treat the children with respect and show them structure. We have difficulties however I am trying to explain to my fiance how important it is for those kids not to see us disagree on anything. If its so hard on everyone and you dont like the situation then do whats best for you and your children and leave or live seperately. You have to come up with a solution before the problem sorry but in this situation you have to put the cart before the horse. It is your right to be involved in any childs life if you are supporting them but you need guidlines too - show respect and often times it will be given to you in return, if not well you know what they say about Karma- Good luck to you all....comments welcome!

Jacqueline



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (7/6/2010 1:04:53 AM)

Wow Ceencee, can you say bitter??! Get a grip... Don't be a hater........

Acorn*



fiery -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (7/6/2010 9:01:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ArticlePost

uh, hellllooooo Chrintine B... The article is about two families (each with kids) blending together, not you and your "boyfriend" (not even married) playing house with 1 (count 'em, ONE) baby... that is a far cry different from having multiple children from different parents living together.. especially when they pass the "Aaaaaawwww, how cuuute!" stage and move into the "Mom, I know what to do stage!" - oh but wait, that other kid over there, who isnt even her own brother, is breaking her toys and making a mess - "Mom!!!,,, do something"! but then there's "hey!, dont tell me that my kid that he's acting out, he's only 6, and boys will be boys! - look at your kid first..." (whew) Live with that for a while (try a few years) and get married to, then get back to us and tell us what wonderful new things you are learning everyday (how cliche'). Thanks!

ceencee


Ceencee, your posts will be deleted if you continue in that vein. I didn't see this before now or I would have addressed it. First of all, get your facts straight first. Christine is a grown woman who has taken on board her partner's grandson out of the kindness of her heart because his mother is incapable of taking care of him. She treats him like her own and they have custody via the courts. She's not some teenage bimbo! Next time you want to say anything mean and inflammatory not to mention inaccurate, do it elsewhere. Do not take your obvious bitterness about your own situation out on others.



ChristineB -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (7/9/2010 9:17:05 AM)

Thank you!  I too missed this, and luckily so.



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (7/21/2010 7:18:40 AM)

I am really looking for advice. I am reading this article and struggling with a decision. I have been dating a guy for a few months. He has two kids, I have not met them yet. He is newly divorced and taking his time to introduce me. I am almost 30, and I can say I have never met anyone like him, he is so great. But I am getting nervous reading this article. Could this really work, I have never had kids.

Lissa



ChristineB -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (7/22/2010 9:21:49 AM)

It can.  Have faith, go slow and just be patient with them and him.  It can definitely work, and is an amazing journey.  They will be lucky to have you and so is he!



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (6/28/2011 9:55:17 PM)

I don't know... I think it's definitely GOOD advice to think before you leap. Living in two separate houses while your kids are anything under 18 is definitely worth considering!!I have 4 kids, aged 15 to 3. My partner has 2 kids, aged 15 and 13. We've been officially living together for 2.5 years but have known each other as close friends for 8 years. Apart from the occasional jealousy/nasty issues with his kids towards my youngest two (who I think they feel threatened by because my partner is very dad-like towards them), all of the kids get on very well.We struggle with maintaining the same discipline for all the kids, his vs mine. We struggle with the allocation of money for "needs", with the definition of "need" varying immensely between the kids, his vs mine. But mostly we struggle with favouritism.Our kids are all stable and loved, while given guidelines and boundaries. My older two sometimes live with us fulltime, sometimes their dad, during which time we only have them on school hols. His older two live with their mum fulltime and we only have them on school hols. My partner is the perfect dad/family man UNTIL his children are involved. And then it's all about them. Every dinner time, every single moment of the day. There's no us or we, its suddenly ALL about them. And I'm in trouble if I mention it, and I'm in trouble if I suggest something that ISN'T all about them. It even starts the day before he goes to pick them up: "I have to download some music for the car. I wonder what *my son* wants to listen to." And it just continues for the entire holidays: "Hey *son*, come look at this new game. Hey *son*, do you want such and such for dinner? Hey *son*, do you want to do this today? Hey, everyone come watch this movie whether you like it or not, cos *my daughter* wants to watch it." And so on. Everyone else, everything else, and every plan or normal thing we would normally do is suddenly out the window.They don't have to use general manners or table manners. They don't have to pick up their own dirty clothes or wet towels. And if I say something, he gets angry. And I get frustrated and disappointed.I don't have a problem opening up my heart and my life to my step children. I've already done it. We are ONE family. Everything I say or do is about EVERYONE. I don't exclude anyone or give any special attention, other than is warranted for each individual personality and age.And he ONLY has a problem when his kids are around. He goes from perfect step father to completely-ignore-and-exclude step father overnight. We've discussed it, we've argued... but its all fail in the end. And I'm torn between this good man and doing the right things by ALL the kids. His kids have ego issues, and they think they ARE the most important people in the family... because 1. thats how he treats them and 2. he even tells them so: "of course I love you the most" etc.It's like he gets blinkers whenever they're involved. It's not getting better over time. My children are just more accepting of the fact that they're second in importance in the family and his children are just becoming more and more ego-driven, self-centred and nasty. It's not good for any of them. I'm so lost as what to try next!! :(

Jo



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (6/30/2011 12:13:10 AM)

I have experienced very similar situation. I can't figure out.

B



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (7/20/2011 8:16:31 AM)

I am reading this article hoping to find a solution. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and I love him dearly. BUT I have a HUGE conflict with his spoiled rotten get everything he wants son. We just went on vacation and it would have been GREAT HAD he NOT jumped at every command of his son and give into things that should not even be discussed. I can't STAND the fact that he gives his kids EVERYTHING their little heart disires! I can't stand the fact that he had to borrow money from his parents because he let his kids have and do what ever they wanted on vacation. I can't stand the fact that he would rather give into his son then tell him no this is the way it is and the way it is going to be so get over it! My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship outside of his parenting. I think that this is going to ruin our relationship :(

Jen



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (8/16/2011 7:47:06 AM)

I just recently got married and we both have two children each. All close in age. My 2 live with us his two live with their mother and we get them for visits every other weekend. My youngest has really become rebellious toward us. She acting up in school and on the bus. Disciplining her is a disaster in our home. It always ends with us arguing. Either I think he's being too harsh on punishment or he thinks Im being too easy on punishment. It's a constant battle at my house when it comes to discipline. I know she's 6 and testing her boundaries but the conflict between us is what's worrying me. When it comes to his I think he's being to easy on them and he feels I'm being harsh. I understand as a parent you are protective of your own but we need to find a happy medium was hoping this article would help. It has gave me some ideas!

confused



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (8/22/2011 2:21:51 PM)

My boyfriend have been together four years and are planning on moving together. He has 3 boys who live with him full time. I have one son who lives with me half the time. I will be paying half the rent. The house has four rooms so one room has to be shared. I think my son should have his own room and one of his kids should share a room. He does not agree he thinks my son and one of his should share the room because my son is only there half the time. I think my son needs an area of the house he can call his own. I think because his kids are brothers and one of them should share. I think that they will have full rein of the house so they will have their own areas. My son needs a space in the house he can call his own. Am I wrong about this?

Kristin



fiery -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (8/25/2011 8:31:01 PM)

I think half the rent equals half the bedrooms, Kristin, and I agree with you.

He needs his own space instead of being shoved in a room with a stranger. Maybe he'll get to want to share a room later on with one of the boys he befriends but for now, it's going to be hard enough for him. From what you've said, I think he could do with a room of his own.

Bear in mind though that it may alienate him more than it would to have him share with someone when the other boys see the room standing empty half the time. He may even want to share with one of them. Has he spent much time with them before and does he get on with them? What ages are all the boys? That might make a difference too. If you're 17 and sharing with a 7 year old for example, you'd be worried about your stuff getting damaged when you're not there. I would anyway.

Most of all, what do you think your son would want to do, given the choice?



ArticlePost -> RE: Blended Families: Merging Two Families Under One Roof (10/8/2011 12:30:25 PM)

@Kristin I also agree with you. Not becuse you are paying 1/2 of rent, not because it's unfair to one one of his kid, but simply because your son who'll live there part time or not needs that 'space' of his own especially if his 3 sons have each other's comforts. If your boyfriend cannot understand this, I think you should reconsider moving in with him. This maybe patty, but all marriage fails with loads and loads of unresolved patty matters built up in one over the years.

ecky



Page: [1]