To move or not to move? (Full Version)

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Bremom -> To move or not to move? (6/4/2009 3:29:52 PM)

A little history…I moved from my hometown of 40 years to live with my husband 2 hours away.  I left all my family and children.  My husband has lived here in the new place for 7 years and had no children or family here except his father.  All my life my family has always been about family.  We were all very involved with each other and saw each other every weekend.  My sibling’s kids and mine grew up so close together that they could all be sisters and brothers.  My husband’s family is spread out all over the USA and they never stay in touch with each other (blows my mind). 
 
Anyway, the past 3 years have been very eventful as in we got custody of his son who is 15 and that has been a big change for me because my kids are grown.  I never see my family.  I have noticed that in the last 3 years, I have been very depressed, I have lost a lot of weight and I am terribly unhappy.  I did a lot of soul searching and realized that it is because I am away from my family too much.  I want to move closer to my grand kids and my mother.  I do not work because of medical reasons so I get very lonely here.
 
I have tried volunteering and other things to keep busy but nothing is working.   I approached my husband about moving.  I asked him if we could move (which is only 1 hour away).  He is adamant about not moving.  His reasons are because he doesn’t want his son to have to change schools.  His son will adapt I am sure.  My reasons I believe are more important.  I have no life.  I want to be around my grand kids and help more with my mother. 
 
I am so miserable.  I feel that he could make the move and he is refusing.  He wouldn’t even have to change his job.  It would actually be 15 minutes closer to his job.  He has nothing holding him here except his father who is a truck driver and may be here 1 day a month.
 
My husband made some promises to me that he never kept.  He promised me when I moved here that it would only be for 2 years.  It has been seven.  He promised me he would never drive a truck and he did until his son moved here.  I have made many sacrifices for him and I feel that he could do this.  I am miserable and I don’t know what to do.  Don’t get me wrong.  We have a very loving relationship and get along very well.  But I have lost all interest in life, my looks, sex.  When I go visit my family I am so happy.  I would think that he would want me happy.  I would be a much better person for it and hence easier to live with.
 
I am 50 years old and feel like my life is over already.  If I move without him I will be so heart broken as this man is the love of my life.  If  I stay here, I feel my life is over.
 
My mother says I should move and if he is really in love with me, he will make the move.
 Can anyone maybe help me with what to do?[;)]



Latonya -> RE: To move or not to move? (6/5/2009 9:51:11 AM)

Hi Bremom

I wish that there were something that I could say or do to make it all better. The reality of it is, that no one can really help you make the decision that you know is best for you. As women, we live by our hearts. We often put everything aside (including ourselves) for a simple but complex thing called love.

Love and marriage is all about compromises. It seems to me that you gave up everything for this man and he has given you broken promises. I really want to tell you what you should do, but I cant. Why? because when love is involved nothing that is rational seems so to the person involved. I have found myself in situations where if I were giving advice to a friend, I would have told them to do the exact opposite of what I did.

I suppose that you have to figure out which is more important, family and your happiness or love. Have you two tried counseling? Can he see how unhappy you are?



ChristineB -> RE: To move or not to move? (6/5/2009 12:24:26 PM)

Wow, that is a tough one. No matter what anyone says the best thign to remember is that deep down you know the answer.  We always do.  Listen to yourself, you'll know what's right.

if you feel unhappy, are depressed, have lost weight etc...then my heart says you may already know the answer.  yes you will go through this if you leave, but it will pass.....if you stay, it may never...



dianerene -> RE: To move or not to move? (6/6/2009 11:57:03 AM)

Christine and Latonya have already given you excellent advice.  all I can add to it is good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts regarding this decision.



fiery -> RE: To move or not to move? (6/6/2009 2:40:46 PM)

You can talk to us anytime, Bremom, no need to be lonely. I'll go a little further than what the ladies have already said and say while it's all about compromise, you've done more than your fair share of compromising already by the sounds of it. If it makes you physically ill, you probably know yourself that you need to be out of the current situation. Only you can decide if that would be with or without him.

You're showing classic signs of depression, losing interest in yourself and your looks. As for the sex, as I think I've said before elsewhere, imho for a woman 90% of good sex is mental whereas for a man (generally speaking) it's all physical. When you're unhappy and depressed, you can't flip a switch and feel sexy and loving towards someone that you feel doesn't care about how you feel or isn't interested in your needs, just their own. Been there, done that. I can assure you I talk from experience (with my ex). I was very ill with stress and depression and lost a huge amount of weight before I left him. I could function, but that was all I did - barely. I enjoyed nothing in life and yet used to be a really outgoing, happy person.

Eventually there comes a point where you have to choose one life or another. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and asked myself if I still wanted to be doing this in 10 years time. I knew nothing would change because I was the only one interested in changing the situation, not him. The answer was no, so I left. Each has to do what they can when they can. It took me years.

Have you seen a dr? Maybe if he heard it from him that it would be beneficial for you to move, it would make a difference. Surely he can see how unhappy you are. And kids will always adapt. It sounds more like he's the one not wanting to adapt. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens. Please, don't be a stranger.  You're very welcome here with us . :)



Thelma -> RE: To move or not to move? (6/9/2009 1:03:04 PM)

The other ladies have given you great advice.

I do feel that if your husband truly loves you, you should be able to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you're feeling.  Obviously you can't continue down this path as it is affecting you physically and mentally. 

Your step-son would adjust to a new school just fine.  Maybe you could get some information on schools in the area and see what kinds of activities are around that would interest him.

Best of luck.  I hope everything works out for you.[sm=hug.gif]



fiery -> RE: To move or not to move? (7/4/2009 4:37:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thelma

The other ladies have given you great advice.

I do feel that if your husband truly loves you, you should be able to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you're feeling.  Obviously you can't continue down this path as it is affecting you physically and mentally. 

Your step-son would adjust to a new school just fine.  Maybe you could get some information on schools in the area and see what kinds of activities are around that would interest him.

Best of luck.  I hope everything works out for you.[sm=hug.gif]


Good idea. If you can find things the lad would like, there would be no reason left not to move really, would there?

I'm still trying to figure out your husband. Why is it your husband doesn't want your family so close do you think? Maybe he feels threatened by them in some way. Or that you'd leave once you spent time with them and talked through how unhappy you are. You'd be close enough then to do it...

Please keep us posted on how you are.




RobertEarlNobong -> RE: To move or not to move? (11/16/2009 11:59:01 PM)

To Bremom,

I fell your sadness ma'am the possible things that might happen is that you your self should make a decision if not you'll be spending a large amount of time thinking what to do and before you knew it your already to old. Every person in this world have problems regarding family but each individual have the right to pursuit its own happiness.




ChristineB -> RE: To move or not to move? (11/18/2009 9:05:00 AM)

How are things going?



prercious007 -> RE: To move or not to move? (4/3/2010 2:10:09 AM)

Tough one really.



fiery -> RE: To move or not to move? (4/3/2010 6:37:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RobertEarlNobong


Every person in this world have problems regarding family but each individual have the right to pursuit its own happiness.




Ain't that the truth. Well said, Robert. Life's too short to spend it being unhappy.



ChristineB -> RE: To move or not to move? (4/5/2010 1:03:10 PM)

So true, but just sometimes not that easy.  It certainly is the ultimate truth and yardstick to measure by though.

I know I get upset with family stuff too, and part of me says, just leave....but ultimately we are all great, but like everyone we have up's and down's.  We have more up's than down's...another good measuring stick! 



fiery -> RE: To move or not to move? (4/7/2010 12:32:58 PM)

Richard Bach once wrote "the easiest way to avoid responsibility is to say "I've got responsibilities". "

Meaning that we can all find reasons not to do things that we should be doing if we want to be true to ourselves.

It's that simple. Never promised it was easy. [:D]



ChristineB -> RE: To move or not to move? (4/18/2010 9:55:35 AM)

applause applause![sm=icon_clap.gif]



Ishcaboo -> RE: To move or not to move? (5/14/2010 9:22:59 AM)

I met the woman of my life 13 years ago. We lived 55 miles apart. She lived in the area of her birth, where her children and grandchildren, mother, aunts/uncles lived. I left my home for her. My family was scattered also.

I personally think your husand is selfish. I gathered you have begun mothering his son. It must abe difficult having to decide between marriage and being with biological family members. If you made a decision to satisfy him, if he truly loved you if would make what appears to be an easy decision to satisfy you. Why would he want to be married to an unhappy woman. Now may be the time to question his love for you and go from there.



fiery -> RE: To move or not to move? (5/14/2010 8:35:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ishcaboo

I personally think your husand is selfish. I gathered you have begun mothering his son. It must abe difficult having to decide between marriage and being with biological family members. If you made a decision to satisfy him, if he truly loved you if would make what appears to be an easy decision to satisfy you. Why would he want to be married to an unhappy woman. Now may be the time to question his love for you and go from there.


Well said. I couldn't figure out either why he wouldn't do something so easy to make her so happy. I think he has control issues, Bremom.



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