Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (Full Version)

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ArticlePost -> Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (1/23/2008 3:35:51 AM)

Many married women seem to be living a double life of sorts. Despite the fact that they are one of two parents in a household, they have taken on the responsibility of single-parenting. They’re the moms who do everything from showing up alone for Parents’ Night at school to taking days off from work

Are You Married But Single-Parenting?
http://articles.familylobby.com/528-Are-You-Married-But-Single-Parenting.htm



dianerene -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (1/23/2008 12:29:40 PM)

In the article, it didn't state if the wife had asked the husband specifically to help out, and I don't mean "can you help me?" ... and it didn't offer any advice.  It's one of those articles that just made me sit back and say "yes, I am married and a single parent" and then feel pissed off about it.

I am a stay at home mom (SAHM) and, yes, the majority of responsibilities fall on me.  I take the kids to and from school, to their doctor visits, practices, I attend the back to school nights, etc.  There are many times that I felt like a single parent and when my husband and I discussed this I found it was because he felt I had it all under control.  when I asked for help, he would try, but he didn't know what I needed help with.  When you are the person who manages the social calender, how is someone else expected to know HOW to help?

Now things are different, and it's not because my husband works less hours or because I have hired a nanny (haha), in fact, he works more and longer hours and we have another child.  It is different because when I need help, I ask for it specifically - "would you be able to get off work early on thursday to be here when the pizza guy comes so that I can pick up daughter number 2 from karate, then pick up daughter number 1 from soccer practice, drop off her friend and make it back before the other 20 kids from the soccer team get here?"  Very specific and it serves 2 purposes ... 1) being, I told him when I needed him, what I needed him for and 2) I even opened up the door for him to swing by to pick up all the girls and bring them home FOR me if that was a more convenient option for him.

I am not supermom, and even though I have chosen to have 4 kids with very active lives, I didn't choose it alone.  My husband loves his kids, but he also has the responsibility (in our situation) to make the money for the house - that's a huge weight.  So when I need help, I need to identify exactly where I need help, and then ask for it.  It makes my life, and my marriage, a much happier situation.  I don't claim to know that all the situations are just like mine, but being a SAHM, and knowing many other moms at home, I do know that many times the complaint of feeling like a single mom can be helped by asking for (and accepting) SPECIFIC help.

... just my thoughts on the matter ...



julieb -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (1/24/2008 1:44:56 PM)

I am a work at home mom, and all the responsibilities fall on me. Maintaining my full-time job, I care for all aspects of our 2 childrens lives, appointments, I do all the housework, shopping, lawn care, snow removal, and running his business as well as my own work. I don't feel I should have to ask my husband/father of our 2 children to help me, he should just do it when he see's it needs to be done, just like I do everyday (even my children do things that need to be done without telling them). It would be like me not paying the morgage one month cause he didn't ask me to. Men need to step up to the plate we are not living in the 50's here. I agree with Diane's mention of the social calendar, however, our entire calendar is updated daily in full view of the door he walks in/out of everyday, so unless the man can no longer read I shouldn't have to give him a play by play. Harsh I know but that is how I feel.



dianerene -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (1/24/2008 9:17:13 PM)

Oh I totally get where you are coming from, Julie.  And I don't think it is harsh.  I was answering more from the point of someone who felt like the single parent in my marriage and what needed to be done to change it.  My husband knew what was going on in our house, because we too have a calender posted, but for the first few years after I quit my job and began helping him from home and taking care of the kids, he *assumed that I had everything under control because it just got done.  So he never *saw where I needed help.  Meanwhile, I am resentful because I am busting my hump to take care of everything at home while he is working late because "everyone will be at soccer practice and I have plenty of time to get home".  He didnt know that I needed help (or more importantly WANTED help) because it I never said anything - I just DID IT.

And of course, there are the times you cannot plan for or schedule in - those are the biggest issues.  I no longer feel like I have to carry the stress of last minute changes on my shoulders alone ... the team pizza dinner is tonight at our house, and soccer practice is being cut short cause of rain and the driver of carpool is going to have to make an after hours meeting and I need to pick up the kids from their function - that's where the "choose your device" speech comes in - can you be home early?  or pick up the kids?

So I agree - we shouldn't have to give our spouse the play by play, but when you are trying to get out of the situation where you are the only "parent" in the marriage, it's a good place to start.  In the people I know who feel like they play the single parent, it is usually brought on themselves - not always, but usually. I have a friend who complains about it and I say "ask for help"  she says it is easier to do it herself than ask for help - I used to think that way too.  I tell her that she has no right to complain about something unless she puts the same amount of energy into fixing it, if she refuses to make an effort to fix the problem, then she has no room to complain about it.  I just try to live by those words.



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (1/28/2008 10:25:10 AM)

I think the article was excellent. It was about the reality of being single in a marriage. It was not an advice column.The author is telling the truth.I took her ending to mean that both parents have to step up to the plate, both have to talk together.Cate

C. Yorke



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (2/19/2008 6:07:16 PM)

I so agree. I am so bitter about being a single, married parent. I wake up an hour early every morning to make breakfast, get myself ready for work, get my daughter ready for school, pack her things, & driver her to school. I then work 10 hour days (4 days a week). I come home & cook supper, help with homework, do the dishes, help with baths, & get her to bed. I then do a load of laundry. My husband (who works 8 hour days) sits in the recliner & watches tv (b/c he's tired)!! My daughter is almost 6 yrs old & he has given her 7 baths her whole life. He has NEVER driven her to school...he's usually still in bed when we leave in the mornings. Plus, he gets home an hour before me, but NEVER starts supper. I driver her to dance & basketball practice. I take her to every doctors appt she has ever had. I take her to b-day parties, etc. I go to parent-teacher conferences myself. I'm so sick of this!! I'd rather be alone & a single parent than married & a single parent.

Pocahontas



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (2/24/2008 11:25:14 PM)

Dear Whiners, I am a married father with a newborn baby. I knew when I got married, I was basically cutting off my p**** and putting it in a paper bag and handing it to my wife. This is why I waited to marry until I was 32 yrs old. I also knew that when we had our first baby, my wife would set that paper sack on fire and throw it at me. This is why i waited until age 38 to father my first child. Moral of the story: men sacrifice their sex life when they get married. Women think child rearing is going to be a blissful, delightful, wonderful thing! Then when they find out how much work it is, they go nuts and hate their husbands. Get over it. If a husband has to sacrifice his sex life and become a monk when he gets married (which all husbands do), then a wife has to sacrifice her social life/freedom when she has a baby. That is life. Don't have a baby unless you are willing to raise it by yourself. This is why it was so difficult for me to decide I was ready to be a father...I knew there was the potential that I would have to raise the baby BY MYSELF if some terrible disease struck my wife, or she passed away in a car wreck, etc. So all of the whining really needs to stop. Just be glad you even have a husband/spouse/partner providing $$$ for food/housing/etc. There are so many dead beat dads who provide $0 for their families and just run off and desert them.Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's time for you to hear from a man's perspective.

Erik



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (4/4/2008 11:30:51 AM)

Erik, most fathers don't see marriage as the end of their sex lives-that is ridiculous!Your attitude is unbelievably chauvinistic.

c. yorke



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (4/28/2008 12:31:44 PM)

Erik if women were meant to RAISE children by themselves then they should be able to get pregnant by themselves. You provided half of the DNA therefore you should be providing half of the "raising". You talk about women sacrificing everything for the children but what do men sacrifce...money? Is that all you men think that you are supposed to do? Give a little money and everything is ok. I don't think so. If that were the case there would be no point in being married and having babies. A woman could just get pregnant and raise it on her own because according to you that is what married women should do too.

JoyL



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (7/28/2008 12:45:32 PM)

I feel what you moms are going thru, I to am in your shoes. It gets tiring and in the end you feel resentful towards your husband. And Erik, I am glad you cut off your P**** because if it was intact yet I am sure that there is someone reading your crap that would do it for you and shove it somewhere you would not want it.

frustrated



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (9/29/2008 8:41:18 AM)

Erik you have a very odd way to looking at life. First, not all marriages are so black & white as you make it sound. I am a full time mom and have a full time demanding job. I also pay a large portion of the bills in the house. $$$$ provided for you - yeah if you sit at home and don't work maybe - hello - the vast majority of women in today's world work. Get out of the cave man! For whatever reason there are alot of men, not all because I know some husbands that are full time dads and help out in every way, but there are men that feel that it doesn't matter if a woman holds a full time job - she is still treated like a SAHM - and that is NOT fair. We work all day, then come home and do a full days work at home, help with the homework, run the kids to their extra activities, go to the school meetings, doctor appts, shopping, etc. Are you getting my point?

Gabi's Mom



TKT -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (9/29/2008 11:24:51 AM)

Dainerene I am a new member and it is absolutely amazing that the first post I read is one that gives me a much better outlook on what my husband is thinking. I totally agree that he thinks I have it all under control. In his eyes I am Wonder Woman (without the body). He never helps until I ask. Sometimes he seems a little put out but for the most part he does what I ask of him. I'm not a SAHM but I do only work part time so I have more time to do the family things that need to be done. Thank you for helping me understand what my husband might be thinking a little better.
TKT



BlueRidge -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (9/29/2008 12:16:39 PM)

[>:]Well, I'm a newby here, and no longer a practicing Mommy...my two sons are adults, and I have a grandson.  But, golly, my DH and I were both parents to our boys, unless one of us was temporarily deployed (we were both Army Officers at one point).  I breastfed, but he could do everything else as well as me (if not better, actually!) We made these guys together, we raised them together, and we broke out the champagne to celebrate when the youngest left home--TOGETHER!!!  We made a decision as young newlyweds 30  years ago to aim for a modest lifestyle with a family focus in lieu of one of us clawing up the corporate ladder.  We had some tight times fianacially, but I couldn't imagine being the sole parent while my spouse was off the hook because he (or she) were "just" the breadwinner.[&:]



dianerene -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (9/29/2008 7:02:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TKT

Dainerene I am a new member and it is absolutely amazing that the first post I read is one that gives me a much better outlook on what my husband is thinking. I totally agree that he thinks I have it all under control. In his eyes I am Wonder Woman (without the body). He never helps until I ask. Sometimes he seems a little put out but for the most part he does what I ask of him. I'm not a SAHM but I do only work part time so I have more time to do the family things that need to be done. Thank you for helping me understand what my husband might be thinking a little better.
TKT


welcome to the forum TKT!  and you are welcome :)  communication is key, isn't it? [:D]



dianerene -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (9/29/2008 7:03:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlueRidge

[>:]Well, I'm a newby here, and no longer a practicing Mommy...my two sons are adults, and I have a grandson.  But, golly, my DH and I were both parents to our boys, unless one of us was temporarily deployed (we were both Army Officers at one point).  I breastfed, but he could do everything else as well as me (if not better, actually!) We made these guys together, we raised them together, and we broke out the champagne to celebrate when the youngest left home--TOGETHER!!!  We made a decision as young newlyweds 30  years ago to aim for a modest lifestyle with a family focus in lieu of one of us clawing up the corporate ladder.  We had some tight times fianacially, but I couldn't imagine being the sole parent while my spouse was off the hook because he (or she) were "just" the breadwinner.[&:]


congratulations on getting your children off on their own, BlueRidge!  seeing you and hubby work together hopefully gave your sons the heads up - a dad's help is always needed [:D]
welcome to the forum!!



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (11/11/2008 11:03:16 AM)

After reading what Erik wrote hurt me to my soul. Not because it was harsh, but because I cannot believe a man would be that insensitive and hardened that he believes marriage is all about men giving up their sex lives. Therefore, women should stop complaining and just raise the children by themselves by giving up their lives. First off, men and their sexual desires is what ruins a lot of marriages because your expectations and desire for sex is unrealistic. Nobody but a sex maniac wants to have sex every single day, so men set their marriage up for failure by thinking that once they get married that they will get to have sex all day every day, and that is not reality. Marriage is so much more than sexual fullfillment. Therefore, you get over it Erik!!!!I work a full time job, I get up every morning, cook breakfast for my family, get my child dress, myself dress, prepare lunches for my husband, my daughter, and myself, then drive my daughter to school, then myself to work, work 8 to 9 hours, pick up my child, go over homework, prepare dinner, iron clothes for everybody, give my child a bath, read her a story, and put my child to bed, so right around 9 or 10, I finally complete my duties for the day. My husband on the other hand gets home, sits in his comfortable chair, play video games or surf on the internet until dinner. Talk and play around with my daughter for all of 10 to 15 minutes, as if he really did something, and then he goes right back to video games and surfing the net. Now Erik, do you think this balance is right? Sure you do, but let me leave this with you. If men used their real brain instead of the thing between their legs, they would realize that their wives would love to have sex with them, but their tooo **** tired to do anything but go to sleep. When my husband helps me on his rare ocassions, we end up having more time to spend together, and I feel more in mood for sex. Eventhough I have sex with my husband three times a week, he still complains, so again Erik, you get over it.

Tired



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (12/8/2008 3:16:04 PM)

You know I have been reading these postings realizing that I am not the only person that feels this way! I just recently took my twin daughters to my Corporate Christmas Party for children and of course my husband did not attend just to even help me with the kids. It was tough, carrying all of their goodies holding their hands and going to each activity station with both of them. I am sad to say but my husband thinks very much like Erik and still does not spend a lot of time at home. So I feel resentment in a lot of ways no help with the kids, minimal marriage bonding, and not to mention he complains about me loosing weight! He tells me that he knows it is hard but people do it everyday! He is right people do it everyday but people also wear themselves done from a physical, emotional and mental perspective everyday trying to fill the shoes that we do as Single but Married Mothers. I told my husband he better enjoy it while it lasts because they will not be young forever.

Married yet Single with Twins



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (12/26/2008 10:52:38 PM)

I think that TV and the media have helped to increase the viewpoint that fathers should do more than they traditionally have. In our society, Dad's have never been the primary care givers. Things like men wearing baby slings, men waking up in the middle of the night, men bathing your kids (more than occasionally), etc would never have even been considered a generation ago. Both my grandfathers would have passed out the thought. If you had a father who did those things, then he is an exception. I'd suggest that ask your mother if your own Dad truly was "superdad", because your mom's account of the his burden of responsability is probably much different from yours (since he is your adored father.)I understand that our society has morphed so that more women work, but the expectation, and rallying cry of those working women is that they can balance home and work. Finally, you aren't a single parent no matter what you think. That is a much, much bigger burden. To provide everything for your child with half the income and no one to even share the time burden is incredibly tough. A single parent would kill to have the support that you complain isn't enough. The father is probably shouldering at least 25% of the responsability along with the other burdens that come with being the man of the house. I'm sure if you had insight into that burden, you wouldn't complain so much.

Marc



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (1/9/2009 5:36:21 PM)

Well i would like to start with Erik if you saw marriage as a way of giving up your P***** then I feel sorry for your wife cause obviously you went into the marriage already giving up on having a fulfilling sex life that in my opnion you can only trust the person you knows you the best. I am happily engaged to the man of my dreams and we have two beautiful girls, I stay at home and he works. Our lives have worked out better that way and you know what as tired as he comes home he still helps me. I give him a couple hours to himself let him relaxe and eat, shower and all that then i ask him to help. And you know what he understands how hard it can be. But you also see how much he loves his kids and how hard he works to balance his life. I am proud of my man cause that to me is what he is a very good man. I love you Will..Lesli

Lesli



ArticlePost -> RE: Are You Married But Single-Parenting? (5/25/2009 10:12:54 AM)

My husband unfortuenlty has a similar mindset to Erik........ damm it!!! Our issue ladies is that our caveman husbands have not moved on from cave men ways, where as we have!!!!! No wonder why men are so lonely!!! If you participate you have fun, if you don't, you get to sit all by yourself!! And I agree with ALL the women here, if our cavemen did more to HELP us we would not be so damm TIRED and hence we WOULD have energy to put into them! But we are so beat, we get to a point were we say ahr F$%$%$ it! I belive, if you Mr caveman couldn' be botehred, hell honey nor can we! You get what you reap guys, you want some in bed, you get to give to receive. No give, like hell you gonna get any!!! and who is whinging!!!!!!

Yep!



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