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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/2/2008 12:10:54 AM
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ArticlePost
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pbcup1_ I know the scenario. Been married 19 and not intimate 8 years. Got a job and asked him to move out till we could either work things out or not. He moved back in as a "housemate" and to be close to our daughter. Its stressfull but financially sound at the moment. I made sure I had a job and knew the financial strategy first. But before you put yourself out there get an independent hold of your life. Get your own income, budget, see the possibility of being a self sufficient woman of resources. A confident woman will attract the right kind of person to hang out with. It may even attract your cheating husband. Just hold your head up and let go. Then, as a "housemate" offer to start paying 1/2 the utilities or something. Take over...then move out or ask him to. Don't go after an affair just because he does. It won't hurt him a bit it'll just give him a reason to send you out.
snickers
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/2/2008 11:04:39 AM
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dianerene
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wonderful advice, snickers!
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/13/2008 3:46:42 PM
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ArticlePost
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I have been living with a man who has been separated from his wife for 9 years. She moved back in with her ex out-of-town and I want hin to get divorced. He says he is going to but still has not made any moves. I am torn, to stay or go. Help!!!
Tree
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/25/2008 1:55:05 AM
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I am dating a man who is separated from his wife but they still live together. They are financially bound due to business plus they have 3 kids under 12 years and want them to have a "normal" life. She knows about me and he knows about her "friend". They haven't told the kids although I do spend time with them with their father as "friends". I get what they are doing, thinking it is best for the kids and business, for now. And I knew what I was getting into, there were no secrets. But it is pretty tough to explain the situation to my family. I know they know, but without actually coming out with it I feel dishonest. What do they say to their friends when they ask about me? They can't just come out with it if I don't and it might embarrass them. I don't have kids and have never been married so it was easier for me to be the one to hold their secret. Kind of sucks though. I like parts of it and hate other parts. I am very independant and enjoy the freedom of having a great man in my life without having to live with him. Will we still be in love when we finally live together? Have I been putting my life on hold waiting for him? Will I regret that later if it doesn't work out? Can this work out? They really do want a divorce, I'm not just the patsy. I get along with his parents who also know the truth of our relationship. I just wish I could tell my parents without them thinking I am a homewrecker. I don't want him to move out just for me or it will never work, he will regret leaving his kids and compromising his finances. Should I just bite the bullet and tell Mom and Dad? They seem to like him. Is this too much to ask of my getting close to their 60's parents? All of my siblings are married and I am seen as a bit of a rebel in their eyes, not just because I am reaching my late 30s without husband or kids to show of it but because that was never my dream. I just never fell for the fairy tale romance fantasy but this man does it for me. My family loves me well, probably most for my outside the box thinking. Maybe I am mostly afraid of getting into the box if we work out as planned. I love him but not desperately. I would easily survive without him. Am I just hanging on for convenience? He obviously is smitten with me, now, who else would take this on? But once he makes the move am i just another statistic that fell for the oldest line in the book? Maybe I did buy into that romantic thing after all. I love him and see a future with him. It isn't a fairytale for sure. But it is a comfortable way to be for me. I know I would regret leaving him now, he is the perfect guy for me and my best friend. I think of myself at the altar with someone else and he comes to me to give his best wishes, and he would do that. We would hug and I would say thank you and I would have to live without him forever. I would hate that.
what do you think?
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/25/2008 10:01:24 AM
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dianerene
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quote:
what do you think?
I think you just described my old neighbors!
Honestly, anyone here can tell you that it is still wrong to be with a married man ... or they can say follow your heart ...
I will tell you that I was in a very similar situation before I met my husband. I, like you, felt it was wonderful to have my independence and not focus so much energy and time on a relationship. Finally, I needed his support through some tough times and I realized that ultimatelyy I shared him with a wife and child and reality set in. I loved him beyond measure, but I loved myself more and I was not going to sit a wait through their "plan" with no time frame. Of course, I had already invested 2 years of my life waiting for him to free his.
No one can tell you what to do in this situation. It is only you who can know if it's right, or if it will work, or if it is what you want. I think you need to be honest with yourself and frequently search your soul to see if it's still working. It worked for me for 2 years, and I wouldn't go back and change it. But then it stopped working, and I had to face it and I had to leave.
Good luck!!
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/25/2008 10:15:14 AM
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I've read this page and seem to have a lot in common with most of you. My husband sent me a lawyer's letter on Cristmas eve last year demanding a separation. We have been together 17 years in total and we have a 3 year old son. Although he has given me pathetic reasons for leaving, the truth is that he is morbidly still attached to his parents and sister who incidentally left her husband 6 months before he left me. I've tried to convince him to come back as i still love him but he says he doesnt love me anymore. In the meantime i;ve tried to move on with another man who loves me but i'm only kidding myself. it is my husband that i am happy with. I keep telling him that i love him only in the world but he is adamant on his decision. why do i keep hoping? is it wrong?
sophia
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/25/2008 10:00:37 PM
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I understand the reasons and many of the dynamics of why many married couples choose to stay under the same roof, even though their relationship is no longer 'what they signed up for'... however... I have worries about children in these types of relationships learn. If they never see or hear any physical, emotional or spoken affection between the two people who are their primary source of learning the dynamics of a healthy, loving and caring relationship, then what kind of relationship will they have when it's their turn for love? You are role models, you don't want that phone call from you 30 yr. old son saying his marraige is over and feeling it was preventable if only he had learned how healthy partners work together. I think if you are forced into a situation where you can't leave each other, then you should try, try, try to really make it work, not just co-exist. Not just for the kids but for each other. Often times its stubborn-ness and pride and old scars of resentment and/or abbandonment that prevent us from making that first move to get counciling or talk or say we're sorry for past mistakes. Kind of like a Mexican standoff. Or, we are afraid of rejection and more pain, so we retreat. I believe if you at least try to make a sincere effort to make up, you could be pleasantly surprised at how much your partner wants the same thing. Make the first step, whats the absolute worst that can happen? You could find yourself falling in love all over again.
Bonnie
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/26/2008 1:51:30 PM
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dianerene
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I understand your concerns, Bonnie. I have often thought that same thing myself, unfortunately, sometimes people just make better friends than spouses.
I have a close friend that had been married to her husband for 20 years. It was one of those on again off again things - they loved each other, they got married, they hated eachother, they seperated ... for 20 years! They had one child in the midst of all this. She remembers the fighting, the moving out, then moving back in. She is 17 now and mom and dad have been apart for 3 years - the longest ever. My friend says, yes, they could try and she KNOWS that they would fall back in love and would try to make it work, but she also knows that realistically, they are better friends than lovers and she has come to accept that. The daughter has too! She tells both of her parents, when she sees that they are approaching the "let's try it again" mark ..."NO WAY! I love you both and I want it to stay that way!" lol
I think a child can learn alot from parents who are friends but just can't stay married. It's certainly better than the divorced couples that don't have a civil word to say about the other.
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 12/9/2008 2:40:55 PM
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I’m a 40 year old man who has been married and divorced. I have 4 kids with the previous wife who I was married to for 11 years. This all took place about 4 years ago. After the divorce I started dating again. I met this wonderful woman, moved in together then married. We had a son together and all the kids love each other.My problem is not enough money, to high of bills and 7 people in the house every weekend when the 4 kids come over. My current wife has been good with them until recently she is not happy with such a crowded house. On top of the room there is the bills being paid. I pay child support which is a good chunk of my income. I work two jobs and so does my wife but we are only getting by. She feels she is working to pay MY bills that were accumulated from the previous marriage and is resentful. I understand her side but don’t agree.She has come to the conclusion that living in separate houses, I take my bills and she takes hers, is the best option. I don’t agree but unable to convince her. She is a person that doesn’t learn until doing and then after the fact admits she is wrong. Does this type of relationship work? I’m from a background if you are married you live together and are MARRIED. I feel the separation is just going to make us grow farther apart. We do see a marriage counselor but I don’t feel it’s working to well. Does this work and is their any hope of getting past it? I feel she is just looking for a way out.
LC
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 12/12/2008 6:35:47 AM
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my wife left in july 2008 she hasnt come home yet and says she dont knopw if she ever will. she wants to start over as friends and "see where it goes from there" . its now december and no progress has been made much at all.she still tells me she isnt ready to come home because she still feels no love for me anymore, yet swears she does not want to divorce. she still handles all the bills, banking, and pays my truck payment out of her check as always. she calls me daily but refuses to talk about our issue.i tell her i love her but all i get in reply is "i know". its as if she wants to stay married yet live totally seperate lives. she says she isnt even interested in seeing other people. i would just like to know how long i should go on like this its so darn confusing.
mike
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 2/3/2009 8:22:18 AM
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ArticlePost
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im married 9years me and my husband are seperated since april 08 4 weeks later I get a phone call I fell out of love,I dont wanna be with you anymore I hate you leave me alone and he hangs up the phone.Than he calls weeks later and say I will always take care my Baby,but we are done.I was crushed how can he throw away all this years we been together.I know we had a lot of problems that is why I left.But I thought by being seperated things gonna work out.All he do is blame me for everthing.Everytime I try to talk to him he always start an argument with me so ,he can hang up the phone.What is wrong with him?he want tell me.What should I do we still married.
tracy
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 2/25/2009 8:31:41 PM
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ArticlePost
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I have a question? I have always heard when u get married and then u get a divorce, but u still live together (for the kids) and have lived together for YEARS. But once u move on and live in diff. states do u have to get another divorce, (i heard that u had to) because they have lived together for so long and it's called common-in-law. If anybody can answer that would be great.
Geneva
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 3/10/2009 12:42:07 PM
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ArticlePost
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My husband is a crabby old grouch, and has been for almost forty years. Yes, I love the man, but I am not in love with him. He has been such a miserable,mean, old cheapskate to our children and me forever. He was a mamma's boy before she died and still would be if she was alive. His family was always better than my family, or our family for that matter. He always has to have his own way and then says it's me. He is sarchastic, mean, and thinks anyone who disagrees with him is of little or no value. He has become slightly physical with me several times. I just want to know where my friend, the one that I married, went to. Because, this man, I don't know who he is...and don't particularly like him.
Deanna
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 3/13/2009 2:14:16 PM
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ArticlePost
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I don't think it's new at all - just the legal paperwork is new. Lots of people get married purely for financial reasons and then live separate lives.Mike, I'd like to respond to your situation. (Been there, done that.) If she's anything like me, she doesn't have the courage to end it and she will tell you anything to keep things on an even keel right now. My ex saying he loved me wasn't enough for me. I needed to hear that he was sorry for hurting me, but he would never admit to hurting me because those weren't his intentions, and he thought intentions counted more than actions, especially if he was drunk at the time and had no control over his actions. I was very sad and put it off as long as I could, but eventually I had to tell him I thought that was BS and I was done. Find out what happened in her opinion. Don't accept "I don't know". Get ready to hear the worst, and then tell her you're ready to listen. She may be more willing to talk if you want to listen to how she feels more than you want to tell her how you feel right now. Good luck with all that.
Lucy
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 3/13/2009 2:22:12 PM
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ArticlePost
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BTW, I decided I would rather live on $200 per week than live with a man I used to be married to. "Just friends and roommates" is very stressful unless you are both completely emotionally dead and you have a very big house.
Lucy
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 3/19/2009 12:08:01 PM
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my husband and i are seperated....he can't afford to move out....i am sick and need his help physically....we live in seperate rooms...he cooks ...i eat in the kitchen and he eats in the livin room....is this considered legal seperation in the state of north carolina....
linda
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 4/10/2009 6:34:57 PM
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ArticlePost
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my husband and i have been married for 16 years w 2 children we're both good parents and want our children to have a normal family but I'm not in love with him anymore.i need different things in my life now than when we got married.he thinks im just being selfish but i think my happiness is important too.for the sake of the kids and for financial reasons i want to continue to live together but be seperated.he cant accept that option.i think hes being selfish for that.if we are ruined financially which we would be our children will be the ones who suffer.why not be friends and parents with the freedom to pursue our individual happiness as well? i dont know if that means we will have other relationships or not but i do need the guy friends i have in my life.he cant accept that.i could handle being divorced but i cant handle the drastic effects on our children.he wants me to just sacrifice my own happiness for the children, which i am considering because of how important they are to me.isn't there a better solution where everyone can be happy?im afraid ill resent him and the marriage so much if i supress my own needs.why cant he just agree to live together for at least a few years while our children grow up some more.we can get along and i would be fine if he was seeing somebody else.it seems like a win win situation to me.
Jane
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 4/20/2009 10:42:04 AM
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ArticlePost
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I have just found this site for 'separates' and would like to add my story. I feel I was manipulated by my husband into this 'separate status'. For years and years he ran hot and cold - running away, coming back home, playing the nice husband, then running away etc. Amongst all this I was threatened financially. Emotionally, I was drained. He tried to turn our kids against me by telling them lies about me; he played the victim; he never supported me, especially where his family were concerned. They would visit for a weekend and openly criticise me and he would not stand up for me! He had a' dual personality'- when he had an audience he behaved himself and he looked like the perfect husband, but behind closed doors he was selfish, demanding and he would become aggressive if he did not get his own way. I stayed in this bad relationship until my children were all married and then the next time he ran away, I told him not to come back! We agreed to part, I aske dhim if he wanted an outright divorce but he said "No, let us just go and live our own lives in separate homes." Since we moved into our own homes, he has manipulated the situation and rocks up on my door evey weekend. I wish I had demanded an outright divorce as he still expects me to do everything for him, but yet he wants his freedom during the week! I am afraid to divorce him now as I think he will sabbotage our little business and then I will have no financial means to support myself. After more than 40 years of marriage, and six years of 'separation' I am so tired! I just want him to go and live his own life and let me have some peace in mine. He is just using me as he does not have anything to do over the weekends / holidays. When he is at my home he tries to call the shots and we end up arguing all the time, but still he comes here. Why? Throughout the marriage he told me numerous times that he did not love me, did not care for me, wanted his freedom - which I gave him - but now I still have to put up with him and his nonsense every weekend.He wants his freedom, but still expects me to look after him! If I was not good enough to be his full time wife, why am I good enough to be his part time, weekend wife? I really feel that having gone through all this, separating is not a good decision - it is better to make a clean break!
Posie
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 4/20/2009 3:09:07 PM
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dianerene
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Posie, that sounds absolutely exhausting! I understand your fears, especially being a business owner with my husband as well.
My first thought ... disappear for the weekend. Don't be home for him to bully into your space. go visit one of your children, or a friend ... just don't be home. see what happens ...
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 4/21/2009 6:26:13 AM
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ArticlePost
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I wish it were that easy! I have a cat and he cannot be put in kennels - he escapes! And I have no one who can 'live-in' for the weekend and look after my lovable companion. I have not had a break in years!!! Health is failing, nerves are shot and emotionally, I feel like I am heading for a breakdown! I pray every day that God will find a solution for me.
Posie
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