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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 5/1/2009 7:38:34 AM
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ArticlePost
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I am a 27 year old woman, got married 2 yrs back which was an 'arranged marriage'..and now I am staying separately from my husband for past 4 months...Unlike the many stories above where the couple were together for 9,11 years, I am married for only close to 2 years now..The problems started within 2 months of our marriage..We are from different family backgrounds and what was acceptable in our family was just not acceptable too him..He used to point out mistakes in almost all my personality traits..The trust and respect was missing between us...He is a male chauvinist and will just not listen to any woman...He didnot like me to pursue my career which I doubt was because he felt my independence was a threat to him...He did send mails after our separation but I think he did that under pressure from him family members...I forced him to meet me once and tried to solve some misunderstandings...To me, it looks like the marriage is finished...Just waiting for him to send the papers now...Though finances are not a problem for me and I am independent in that respect, I do feel that I miss him and am afraid of living my whole life alone...I am an Indian woman and I believe that you marry once in a lifetime...Even if someone gives me the liberty of marrying again, it may take ages before I can trust any other man..
RS
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 5/1/2009 12:35:33 PM
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fiery
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RS, sorry to hear about your troubles.
Please, do not lose faith in yourself or what you can achieve without him being in your life. When you've been in a relationship where your confidence is torn down (we all have personality traits, that's what makes us us..doesn't mean they're bad ones), it's normal to feel fragile. Because even when you know in your heart what he says about you is false, it still seeps into your brain for you to turn over and over and when you hear something often enough, you start to wonder if it's true.
You're still very young and have plenty of time to meet someone else later. Relationships will be something you'll probably need a breather from awhile. For now, I would suggest you concentrate on getting yourself back to where you feel good about yourself. The more confidence you have and happier a person you are, the more attractive you become to others, both friends and potential partners. You have time on your side. Don't let the fear of being alone make you settle for this stifling relationship. Five, ten, twenty years from now, you'd still be regretting it. Good luck to you.
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 5/6/2009 10:52:33 AM
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ArticlePost
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Thanks Fiery..This came as a breather for me.I was talking to a friend today and revealed to him that my husband may be waiting for me and my parents to apologise for our mistakes. He said if it can solve the problem why not do it. I felt as if I was only wrong all the time..It really hurts to listen to all this at this time but separations make a person so vulnerable...People keep looking at the person's mistakes to point out what went wrong...Donno how much time it will take for me to cum out of it..
RS
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 5/8/2009 1:51:30 PM
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ArticlePost
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I have been married for 13 years and one day my husband told me our marriage was on the rocks. He will not discuss any details with me. He works tons of hours and i can't get him to ever discuss our marriage (he always has an excuse). He still does nice things for me and treats me nicer than he ever has. But cannot say he loves me anymore. We still live in the same house, no final decisions made except for the fact that it is over. My only conclusion is that over the last few years of raising children and everything else we lost eachother and grew far apart. How do i make this work with both of us living under the same roof and how do i get over him so i don't get emotional everytime he walks through the door?
he will not talk to me
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 5/14/2009 12:53:30 PM
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ArticlePost
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This is such an interesting column. I find myself in this situation. My husband and I have known each other for 16 years. He blames me for gaining weight and demanding passion from him.He wants to live together either divorced or married. He wants passion and sees someone on the side. I am not sure if I can do this, but he won't leave the house and I don't want to either.he says he still loves me, but not for passion. How do people do this. Do people feel hurt or betrayed? Do they put that aside for the ease of the money situation? How do you start your own life? I gave a lot to my marriage. Is it easier to have an apartment and be alone or settle for what is left of a long time friend?
confused
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 5/15/2009 6:49:41 AM
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ArticlePost
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I just read he will not talk to me and see myself there. How do you not get emotional when you see him or know he is with the other woman?
confused
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 6/23/2009 8:44:02 AM
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ArticlePost
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i just read "he wont talk to me" and see my life there. I dont think i can continue to do this (it's been 5yrs)...my sanity is at stake!! something has got to change!!!
bewildered
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 6/24/2009 12:03:19 PM
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ArticlePost
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I know a man who has been living seperate from his wife for 15 yrs. He came to me almost in tears one day because his last girlfriend who he claims is "love of his life" left him. He expects all the women he dates to completely accept this arrangement. I told him you're not likely to find a permanent long term relationship while you're still legally married--most women looking for a partner to eventually marry will not put up with this forever. I think he is so petrified of losing his money and material possessions and this is why he wont bite the bullet and divorce her.
stacey
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 6/26/2009 9:10:15 PM
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ArticlePost
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Posie, I an astounded that you have allowed yourself to stay in this hell-hole marriage for 40years. Why on earth didn't you make a run for it at the beginning when he showed you his true colors and how he was going to treat you? The man obviously has no respect for you, never did.Why did you give him the respect and honor of sticking by him? Yeh, I understand that owning your own business is important but in my opinion, it doesn't outweigh self-preservation and self respect.
Dumbfounded
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 7/19/2009 6:24:21 AM
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ArticlePost
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As far as the author stating this type of marriage is new to the 21st century, Does anyone not know history? The idea of romantic love in a marriage is a pretty new one. Most women got and stayed married because they needed to be supported, or a family saw marrying their daughter off to someone as a way of increasing their station in life. It was not until recently,when women were able to support themselvesin a job market that they realized they could marry for more than "a good man who can make a decent living" As recently as the mid 20th century. Plus divorce was such a stigma even as recently as the late 20th century that many people lived like this.
historyrepeats
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/13/2009 9:47:17 AM
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ArticlePost
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Is there any type of legal document specific to "separated" but living as roommates? Is it legally accepted in all states?
shirlj
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/16/2009 9:43:04 AM
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ArticlePost
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I have been married to my husband for 5 years and together for 8. I am miserable. We got married when we were young. I think we just grew apart. I think we had a fighting chance but in the 8 years that we have been together, major things have happened in our lives. He was diagnosed with a blood disease and rheumatoid arthritis, my father had 2 major strokes and my parents were forced to move in to our new house that we just bought. He couldn't work for over a year. Needless to say it was stressful. How can we get the spark back? So many major things have happened that we weren't able to focus on our relationship. It was a new marriage and we didn't get to celebrate being newlyweds. I think we had to grow up so fast and didn't get to enjoy each other. How do you know when it is time to call it quits?
Amanda
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/16/2009 1:23:08 PM
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fiery
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Shirl, every state is different. Really you would do best consulting a lawyer to find out what the legal status would be in that living arrangement. Personally I would hate that but each to their own. I think a clean break is much better all round than being able to watch each other's every move.
Amanda, no one can say when to call it quits in your relationship but for me, I looked at my ex one day and all I felt was a big black hole where my heart should have been. That was enough. I had no love left to give.
In your case, you've had a great deal of stress in a short space of time. Have you seen a dr about depression? Because that could be at the root of it all. I'm sorry you're so miserable right now. If you have any spark left and you both wish to save your marriage then it's not time to call it quits but to fight for and work at it. To do that you need to be healthy both mentally and physically, so please see a dr first and tackle the rest once you're feeling better.
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 9/9/2009 11:49:53 PM
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ArticlePost
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Never thought so many people share my identical problems. I married a good woman that I dont think I was ever in love with. Thirteen years and 3 kids later, I can no longer pretend I love her, Several years ago I was seeing a phsycho-therapist in an effort to change my perspective. It resulted in a 3rd child in hopes fo getting closer to her. Obviously that didnt work out. She wants me to try to make it work but I have given up and I want to leave. I havent yet because of the kids but I am miserable and envious of all happy couples. Should I shackle myself to misery for the sake of the kids?
Shackles
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 9/12/2009 10:11:51 AM
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fiery
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The short answer from me is no, you shouldn't. I don't believe in sticking together for the kids. Kids know when parents are unhappy and having separated parents that are good to be around is better than bitter, miserable ones that are together.
You've tried, and are no further forward. I did the same and stuck with it for 16 years. I regret I didn't leave sooner, not that I did it. Perhaps a trial separation is in order to sort your feelings out. Sometimes it can be so suffocating being together you can't think straight and it's stressful for you both. Maybe your wife would go to counseling too? You never mentioned if she had tried it but she's obviously willing to make it work.
Marriage is never all sunshine and roses. Your wife has a lot on her plate too looking after three kids. And don't believe that everyone else is deliriously happy because they're not. We all have ups and downs - that's just life. But unless you're both willing to work at staying together and both want it, it's hard to.
There will almost always be one in the relationship that doesn't want the breakup to happen. As long as you do the decent thing and provide for your children's welfare, then it could be for the best. No one knows your wife like you do and ultimately only you can choose but I don't believe staying together for the kids' sake is healthy for any family. I also don't think it's a decision to be taken lightly. Have you checked in with your doctor lately? You may be suffering from depression. A chat with him/her would be worth it before you make any major decisions. Good luck and keep us posted.
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 9/21/2009 10:20:32 AM
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ArticlePost
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On the other hand, what if you are in the middle of "resurrecting a dead marriage", you've been separated for almost two years is it wrong to "consumate" before you officially get back into one household?
Kitty
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 9/25/2009 7:18:28 AM
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ArticlePost
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I am 31 and have been married for 2 years. Our marriage has been difficult, mainly due to a lack of communication and lots of selfishness on my part. I am sober 6 years, and quit working on myself, I became entrenced in my schedule and when responsibilities (wedding and a funeral) came, I opted not to go. Leaving her to go it alone. Two weeks after the funeral and our anniversary she tld me she is not in love w./ me anymore. I see my mistakes and know that it wass not due to a lack of love on my part but rather extreme selfishness. We have decided not to get a divorse, but to contuinue living together and focusing on the friendship. I remain hopeful, but also want to be realistic. I am wondering if this situation will be a good thing or a bad thing- we came to the conclusion lastnight. Is it wrong to be hopeful if her heart is not in this? Is it possible to reinforce a better relationship by stepping it back down to the basics? I feel lost and my friends think I'm delusional for remaining hopeful. Thank you all for your input.
Evan
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 10/4/2009 7:49:16 AM
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ArticlePost
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As an only child and the teenage daughter of two newly seperated parents, current financial circumstances mean that none of us can move out right now. Although both play an active role in my life, living with them together has been a psychological nightmare for me. I cannot deal with playing counsellor anymore, I've got finals to sit soon and my friends are too absorbed in their studies/new university lives to care. Neither parent will see a marriage counsellor.. or talk to each other. It is not healthy living in the house. I feel for both my parents but from a teen's perspective I feel completely helpless. My heart goes to everyone in this blog (am thankful that I found it) and going through a divorce/is in a similar situation.
YY
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 10/13/2009 1:57:13 PM
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ArticlePost
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My husband and I have 2 children 9 and 11 and are having some serious disagreements but neither want to take the kids away from each other. So for now we have decided to live together as a family but not as a couple.
D
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RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 10/14/2009 5:24:11 PM
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ArticlePost
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My wife and I are curently Separated and in counseling as she wants to see if it can be fixed....maybe. She started seeing someone else while I was on an extended business trip. We have been having problems for some time as she became a stay at home Mom and really wasnt cut out for it...I worked many long hours and missed the signals she was giving me to show her the affection she needed. I really do love her and she says she still loves me...but doesnt know if she can trust that I can change and be there for her the way she wants....I wsih things would move faster to a resolution either way.
Confused R
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