Display name  | |
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 10/19/2009 5:39:01 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I've been w/ my husband for 12 yrs, married 5. He was always a heavy drinker, and I was in denial. We managed to keep it together until recently. The past 5 months have been horrible, psychiatric hospitalizations, promises of sobriety, and relapses--not to mention a foray into the world of inhalants, so much that neighbors told me they're surprised he's still alive. He's supposedly kicked that habit, but I finally told him two weeks ago that I can no longer tolerate this and that I wanted a separation. Well, he broke down, was put on different meds, and subsequently suffered severe memory loss. (Probably more due to the drug use, but no one really knows for sure)He's STILL refusing rehab and counseling of any kind, so I told him it's over. Of course, as addicts do, he's trying to make me feel guilty by saying that I'm abandoning him in his hour of need and that he can't believe I'm giving up. The problem now is I don't think we'll be able to sell our house; we just bought it a year ago, and prob. have negative equity at this point. It's killing me to live here, but I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and rent, if I were to move out. I couldn't even pay the fees for a lawyer/mediation! Husband's unemployed, so his check helps to barely cover our existing bills. So, my question is: Does anyone have any advice for maintaining sanity in a situation like this?? I'm struggling big time, and trying not to get too depressed and hopeless.
At Wit's End
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 11/21/2009 4:47:59 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
my husband and i seperated after 7 years together, we have 2 boys, son and stepson, the past year has been going downhill. for 7 years, i have been paying the rent, bills, and he has been doing other bills when needed, i got tired, i got tired of feeling like the man, i feel he didnt take responsibility as the man of the house and is still in an immature mind state, been to a counselor once, worked for few months,but went right back to main problems, not putting his family first, mainly neglect of his family, he's rather do the things he wanted to, sat down and talked about it on so many occasions, felt i couldnt take it anymore, now that he is gone, he has showed me he is still not grown up, what man wouldnt call and make sure his child and wife r not ok, or have groceries in the house or need money, but i feel its to spite me, but now that he's gone, i feel calmer, more relaxed, more focused, i love him but before we can reconcile, he has to grow up, he has been married before with the same problem, his ex wife couldnt take his immature ways, his priorities are not in order, this is my 1st marriage, and i dont believe in divorce, but while we are seperated i dont feel a strain because i have been taking care of home all along, i have a multiple disabled child, and i feel i shouldnt be stressing with a spouse, we are supposed to be here to help each other, not put all the weight on me, im tired, please if anyone has some advice, im all ears, and everyone on this site thats having problems i will pray for u and please pray for me.
trying my best
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 1/24/2010 8:57:06 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
For the past 6 months my husband and I have had a trial seperation, but still live together. Yesturday I told him I want to make it legal and binding so that we are both protected in the long run. We have to live together because we cant afford to live apart, we have 2 kids not in full time school yet so I have to stay home. Who can afford daycare?? Until I am through with school next year it will remain this way. I am hoping that once this is legal he will understand that it is over and that we are only waiting for me to be able to have a place of my own. I pray that there will be min. friction over the children. Since we have nothing else jointly that is my only concern. When I explained my situation to people they dont really get it, its nice to know that I am not alone in this.
Taking baby steps
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 3/26/2010 11:32:33 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
my husband and I was been married 5 years, but we didnt stay together because he's living in other country since we got married, his longest stay was only 2 months, I'm confused if he still loves me or do I let him go, because we always have arguments, one time he told me that he was not happy v=ever since he got married to me, and he told me a lot of bad things and bad words, he always told me that I'm social climer and I really dont know why he say that.And he told me that he live with his friend because they share expenses in paying rental fee, and his friens was a girl, and they are only friends, I tust him that's why I give him my permission to live with his girlfriend, but the way he treat me I think he was in love with her housemate, It really hurts me because he didnt say sorry to me, according to him he loves me, but why he always makes me cry even I'm pregnant and he never called to say hi and ask if how's my pregnancy, does he really love me?
preggy
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 7/4/2010 11:35:58 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
Iwas devasted when my husband of 10yrs up and left me,in the worst winter in years. Leaving me helplessly alone. I had also had my daughter during any turmoil in my life. SHe was killed at 12 years old,he was not her father we were dating at the time.I began to weaken and depend on him for everything, giving him all his wants and needs. Just to be pushed away and treated coldly. But I loved him and couldnt stand the thought of a divorce. How could I start over.He in 2 mo wiggled back saying it was for me. Every family member, doctor, lawyer and friend said it was not for me, but what I could give him. By the way he left after I lost my job.Now it has been 5 mo and he now doesn't want our marriage, said he want leave bc it is half his. I owned this place b4 we met and then later after 5 yrs of fighting about his name not on deed I refinanced and added him. Now here I am looking for answers. I used all my saving when he was gone to survive, SO now what is the answer?Stay here as roomates? It would break my heart knowing he was seeing someone else. HOw can I handle this any advice?
ldc
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 7/6/2010 12:25:32 AM
|
|
|
fiery
Posts: 5730
Joined: 11/4/2007
Location: in front of my computer
Status: offline
|
ldc, welcome to Family Lobby. :) I'm no legal professional so would be hesitant to advise you in case I gave you the wrong information. You should contact your lawyer again and see what his rights really are and what you can do. Don't just take his word for it. I'm sure your lawyer has come up against this before and a lot will do with what he's contributed towards the house payments in that time.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 7/31/2010 10:23:01 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
At Wit's End..you are living my exact life. I have been married to my husband for 23 years, raised 3 children (from my previous marrage)and now have grand-children. I have been dealing with my husband's addiction to alcohol the entire time we have been married but of course it is a real issue now. He won't accept that people change over time and I've just gotten tired of fighting with the addiction. He is unemployed, but has no income, I work 3 jobs and am getting ready to try to short sale my dream home that we bought 3.5 years ago. He was just a binge drinker, drinking once a week but until he passed out. He drives to get more alcohol after he has drank in excess. Since I told him it's over he has been drinking everyday. He was admitted to the psychiactric hospital and then put on anti-depressants and anti-psychotic meds but he continues to drink excessivly while taking the medication. He tells me I am abandoning him and plays the victim to make me feel guiley. I had told him multiple times that if the drinking didn't stop I would leave. I wasn't true to my word many times and stayed. The last time I agreed to stay but with the clear statement that I was going into it one last time and if it did not work out I was going to leave. It didnt work out and I have decided to end the marriage. It's painful. We have to live in the same house until it sells and he doesnt seem to be trying to put a plan together for after the time we are out of the house. I live everyday with the knowledge that each and every interaction or conversation will end in an argument and the stress level is unbearable. I find solice in my job and am staying at work much longer these days just to be away from him and his drinking. Fortunately, we do not have children living at home but I can tell you that the dog knows things are just not right. The grown children are being brought into the middle because one despises him for what he has put me through, one feels obligated to be the emotional support person for him even though he doesn't take the help she offers, and the other one just stays away. I cannot wait until this situation is finally over and I can move on with my live. Prayers and blessing for all who are in this same situation.
Can;t Take it Anymore
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/21/2010 3:05:18 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
i have been with my wife for 10 years and married for 6. we have separated b4 for 9 months and got back together. 3 years later, we find ourselves with the same problem. she loves me but, feels a void in her life. she was and is treated like a queen. i could not have been a better husband. so, im giving her the space she needs. i believe that their is noone else, but cant be totally sure. we give eachother plenty of freedom so, i cannot see how our marriage is holding her back from life. idk~cookie~
cookie
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/24/2010 1:30:57 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
My husband and I have been married just under 2 years. He's a recovering alcoholic. Will be sober 10 years in December. I thought the destructive behaviors were behind him. Just found out that over the past 2 years, he's drained about $3200 out of an account of ours to support his tobacco habit. This is the latest of a series of lies/secrets/deceptions by him. I really thought he had changed, but starting to believe he never will, no matter the consequences. We have an infant son together and my priority is to keep my family together. Seeking to live in the same house as him, so our son can have both his parents in his home. Not sure how this will work or what precautions I should take (especially since his latest lie involved money). Need to make sure myself and my son are safe and have a secure future. Any advice?
H
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/24/2010 8:31:22 PM
|
|
|
fiery
Posts: 5730
Joined: 11/4/2007
Location: in front of my computer
Status: offline
|
Yes, keep a close eye on your bank and savings accounts in future is the first thing. I don't understand how you couldn't miss $3200 going astray. You have my sympathy. I lived with an alcoholic too and I don't believe that you can ever trust them. Ever. One bad habit replaces another and all you can do is keep tabs on them so you spot any issues at the outset and call them on it. Since you've said this is only one in a series of lies and deceptions, I'd be thinking about splitting up. unless you want to spend your life looking over his shoulder. Without trust, you have nothing I'm afraid. I learned that far too late.
And please, don't stick with him just for the sake of your son. One good stable parent is better than two in a bad relationship. I made that mistake and stayed with mine for ten years longer than I ever should have. I regret every day wasting that decade of my life instead of moving on but I too wanted us to stay a family. He won't stop without getting professional help, and if like mine he won't go and get it, why bear the upset and worry for the rest of your life? Your son is young enough to adapt. I regret letting mine get old enough to be able to recognize when his dad was drunk. Don't wait until he bleeds you dry financially and you have no options left because without money you're really up the creek without a paddle. Think seriously now about seeing a lawyer and getting advice. That's the best way you can secure yourself and your son. All just my opinion of course, but I do talk from experience.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/25/2010 11:25:22 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
Thanks fiery, that was good advice. It's tough to hear because you want to believe that people can change, especially when there's so much at stake. He's a sober alcholic - has been sober for almost 10 years, so I'm not worried about my son seeing him drunk. The money....it was in a money market account that we weren't supposed to touch and only for emergencies. So I stupidly trusted him and didn't check on it. All other monies are in our checking/savings which I monitor online weekly and he now has no access to. I ran his credit report and found out about 2 credit cards he has balances of $2000 on. I guess if I monitor my bank accounts and credit reports periodically I'm somewhat safe. But it's like you said, who wants to live like that?? He's willing to get counseling. He got a sponsor specifically for the tobacoo addiction. He set up an appointment for us for a marriage counselor. On the outside, he seems to be doing the right things, but I just can't trust it. I don't want to make a rash decision on something that will impact myself and my son for years. I'm miserable, though. I guess I'll go to counseling and see what the therapist says. One of my best friends says I'll be able to tell after a couple counseling sessions if the marriage is salvagable - or even if it's worth salvaging. I imagine we can make it work, but do I want to? Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. I just don't want to do something I'll regret later. UGH! Why can't people just be honest!
H
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 8/26/2010 7:46:23 PM
|
|
|
fiery
Posts: 5730
Joined: 11/4/2007
Location: in front of my computer
Status: offline
|
At least you have a glimmer of hope in that he's willing to go for counseling. I'd give that a try. Your friend is right, you'll be much clearer headed when you've talked to a counselor because they bring an impartial perspective that's not all wrapped up in emotion to the table. I hope things do work out for you for the best. Promise yourself you'll be brutally honest when you go, to get the most out of it. Hiding feelings doesn't help anyone. Be open to the process. And if he changes his mind, go alone. You can still get help for yourself to sort all this out in your mind too. Keep us posted, H. Good luck. :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 9/29/2010 4:55:35 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
My Husband and I are separated but living together until I can return to work.I have moved into another bedroom in the house, but I need help understanding when is the best time and how to go about telling our 9 year old daughter that Mommy and Daddy aren't in love anymore. We get along great and its been more like a roommate situation with no intimacy for the past 3 years.How do I tell my daughter without breaking her heart.
Janis
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 1/4/2011 4:12:51 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I have been married for 15 years to my husband. It is really over for me. He hopes to patch things up, but there is no hope for that as far as I'm concerned. For the most part, we get along well (no major fights, and when we have them they are more like serious discussions without yelling). There is no intimacy, and we have been sleeping in separate rooms for over 10 years. We have 2 kids, 14 and 10. My husband has some physical problems that make him very tired and he benefits from having me around to do many many things for the kids and the household (he is also over 20 years older than I am). I worry about my finances, but I also worry about his well-being as he approaches retirement. We also own several properties together which we would not want to sell to divide up assets. I am hoping to be able to discuss living together but having separate lives, making up some rules and boundaries for both of us. Wish me luck.
Jane
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 3/9/2011 10:46:32 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
we have ended up in a similar situation. lack of communication and no intimacy has found us living together raising children and going about busy lives without a real marriage.no fighting going on and i don't think the kids even see it. we both work and coordinate everything around what it is needed for the family to carry on. there had been no ifidelty as almost every minute of the day can be accounted for with all the activities our family has(kids are 13,11,and 9). it has been like this for a year and spouse does not want to make anything official and i , too feel i need to be here. finances etc are ok
just me
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 4/17/2011 8:32:03 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I have been married to my husband for 8 years. Basically, he is a functional alcoholic and I have made some very bad monetary decisions. He does not want to be married to me anymore. He told me this after I had set up counseling. We are still living together but in separate bedrooms. He tells me it is over, but he gives actions at times that shows that he still cares. I love him with all my heart. He is now seeing a separate counselor and wants me to give him time. How do I get the patience to do that? Oh yea, there is also a family friend who he is interested in getting to know. Any help or advise from anyone? Please? I am so torn apart I don't know what to do.
LisaP
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 4/18/2011 2:24:22 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
To Jane: I wouldn't tell my daughter that her mommy and daddy aren't in love anymore. I'd tell her that I will always love Daddy. When she is older, a grown woman, she'll figure some things out and understand better. WHY tell a 9yo her parents aren't in love anymore??!! It WOULD do more than break her heart!! It creates insecurity in a child!! She doesn't have to know at this age!!
Robin
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 6/19/2011 8:33:34 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
my husband and i have been married for 3yrs. I was young and nieve when we chose marriage and there have been alot of trust and honesty issues since then. We have a 2yr old and share an apartment. We have chose to continue living together until our lease is up in september and then physically seperate after that. We have been emotionally and intamately seperated for the past 2 1/2yrs in my eyes anyway. Its good to know I'm not the only one.
kristin
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 7/18/2011 8:36:04 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
people need to realize that when you make a covenant it slike a contract w/God. For better or worse for poorer or richer...You made a contract with God and should respect and honor that contract. You may have made a mistake but keeping your contract with God is the only way to go. Only two things can get you out of his contract and thats adultery or physical abuse. Lots of people marry fo rthe wrong reasons but when you take an oath with God you should keep it forever.
Earnest
|
|
|
|
|
RE: “Separated” Married Couples - 7/20/2011 10:59:35 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 1904
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I've been married almost 33 years. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. We have two grown children who live about 150 miles from us. Our marriage has had plenty of ups and downs. Early on my husband had a temper problem; although he was not physically abusive, he was mentally/emotional abusive and also would destroy objects (desks, lamps, cooking utensils, etc.). As he got older he learned to control his temper. However, as I time passed I became more and more withdrawn and less able to forgive and forget. After the kids left home we seemed to find an equilibrium and the kids have even commented on how they think we get along better know. I think we just manage it better. He drinks 12+ cans of beer at least 4 times a week. Five years ago he quite his job (after discussing it with me) but then unilaterally decided to 'retire' for all intents and purposes. He has not worked since. Granted, he does a lot around the home front (cooks, cleans, maintains the yard and the house). However, financially, it would be more beneficial if he were to go back to work and when I broach the subject, he agrees but says he just isn't ready or doesn't want to go back into the same field he was in before. I have told him that I feel as though he has 'forsaken me' and essentially has a mistress by the name of Busch Lite. I come home from work not knowing what I can expect when I get home. Will he be drinking an morbidly depressed? Will he be holed-up in the den reading a book and non-communicative? Will he be energetic (rare) and wanted to do something? We have not been intimate in over a year. He sometimes complains about this, intimating that as a husband, he should be able to expect some sex, however, it is very one sided. After menopause, certain challenges presented themselves that made intimacy a little more challenging. He complained about it rather than working together to try to make it more pleasurable for both of us. He wants me to 'dress-up,' act sexy, and to do whatever is necessary to make things go smoothly and turn him on, but he just lays there waiting to be serviced and brings nothing to the table to reciprocate. There is no romance, no going to the movies, no date nights. Maybe one out of 20 times I suggest something, he says he is not interested.Now, comes the kicker. After dealing with his alcoholism for most of our adult lives and after supporting him for the last five years while he tries to decide what he wants to do with his life, he announces to me - ON MY BIRTHDAY - that he plans to cash in his retirement early, pay the penalties, buy a pickup truck, and then take-off for points west - all within the next month. He admits that counseling would be a good idea but summarily refuses to do so. He doesn't want to wait the 7 months it would take to avoid penalties when cashing in his retirement fund. He doesn't want the hassle of dealing with a divorce or legal separation. He just plans on - leaving - and leaving me to clean up the mess. Sad thing is, I love the jerk. I think he is extremely wrong-headed about a lot of things; very judgmental about everyone he meets, but really talented and intelligent. He underplays the impact his alcoholism is playing, and has played, on all the inter-relationships he has now, and in the past.All in all, I want him to be happy (its obvious he has not been so in years). I just feel very used and disrespected in the way he is handling his decision. Knowing him, it is entirely possible he will decide in two or three weeks that he isn't going to do this afterall and just expect things to return to 'normal,' whatever that is.
Zen
|
|
|
|
|
|
Printable Version
