Display name  | |
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/14/2008 4:09:09 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
We have been living togther for 6 years and were married 6 weeks ago. I discovered a few days ago that he has had several ongoing online relationship with women he met over an online dating website (adulfinder)Some of the correspondance dates back a few years! He even met and had dinner with one of the women.when away for buisiness. He admitted to the meeting and the emails and visiting porn sites. I phoned the woman he met and she seemed a relatively decent sort. His profile on the webite said he was a widower which he was!!!! I made him show me the website after I busted him, The woman admitted to meeting him for dinner and said that fooled around but did not have intercourse. This dinner date was in April as we were making plans for our wedding, they stopped corresponding late May as she had met someone else. The other "pen pal" and he stopped corresponding in January, I do believe him when he said they never actually met as I made it my mission to discover who she was. I know that if he had seen her there is no way he would have slept with her. The emails were pretty intimate though. The third "pen pal" sent him video attachments that were very graphic. I believe he may have purchased sex toys for her, so that she could video herself, I believe he has corresponded with her for years. I do not know but have suspisions that he may have met with her when away on buisiness.He has promised to stop this. I have told him that we can try and work this out but it would require the help of a councelor. That he was to make an appointment. He has and the appointment is next week. I don't know if I will be ever able to trust him again, and I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life policeing his every move. I am worried that if I eventually can and do let my guard down that he will start again.
Seashell
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/14/2008 7:57:11 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
My husband cheated on me two years ago. I decidied to forgive him and we have been in marriage counseling ever since the affair. Our marriage since the affair has been better than ever and we are more in love then ever before. However two days ago he told me that he was out drinking with some friends and ended up making out with another girl. I told hom last time this happened that I would divorce him if it happened again. But now that it has happened I am so confused and dont know what to do. What does everyone think can he change and never cheat again? Or do you think it is time to divorce? It is hard since we have been together for ten years.
Abbie
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/19/2008 9:48:10 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
It's really sad when the person you think you can trust turns out to be a liar. I'm dating this guy that in the begining told me that he was not seeing anyone that he had friends. Blind me didn't realize that "friends" meant people he was sleeping with. He insists that they mean nothing to him that however after reading an email he stupidly left open, I found out that atleast one of his relationships is beyond the just sex phase. I feel lika a fool because I keep falling into the same emotional traps with men and begin looking down on myself as though I'm the one thats doing something wrong or is lacking something. I really want to tell him that I dont want us to see each other like that anymore but I cant think of a valid enough reason without spilling the beans that I read his email even thought he left it open on a computer we share. Any suggestions/advice?????
delima
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/20/2008 5:57:27 PM
|
|
|
dianerene
Posts: 2105
Joined: 10/31/2006
Location: sunny so cal, usa
Status: offline
|
my suggestion would be - spill it! if HE left it open, he obviously didn't care enough to hide it. you don't need a valid reason to allow someone to continue to treat you like dirt, leave it and find someone who respects you for you.
just my experience, but I dated a guy that I had known since childhood. he was older and we were never close, but it was a childhood crush ... so when he asked me out in college, I was all for it. well, about 6 months into it I find out he is married! he was seperating from her and had been in the process of it for a year, but the fact that he never told me was a huge slap in the face. of course, other than that one minor (NOT) detail, the relationship was great! so I let it go, and 4 years later I finally dumped him once and for all because of the constant lying and break up-to-make up he was pulling. sadly, he wasn't my first relationship built on mistrust, but I made sure he was MY LAST. I have always been one for giving second chances, because there were people out there who were kind enough to give me one when I needed it. but if you're not comfortable with your gut feeling, then trust it!
I am a firm believer that we all know deep down when someone is trying to pull one over on us, it is just a matter of us trusting ourselves MORE to listen to what we know is right.
and if you still need a valid excuse to leave, then tell him "I care about you, but I care about me more" ... it's all you need.
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/26/2008 12:18:39 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
Four months ago I found out that my boyfriend of 8 years cheated on me. I found many many text messages from his cell phone to a number I didn't recognize on our bill. When I called the number, the voicemail was a girls voice. I will always remember that moment in my life as the day my world fell apart. He and I have been together for a long time and were best friends. We were distant for months but I thought it was a phase we were going through that would pass. He is not the type of guy to cheat, so I never thought anything like that. When I confronted him, he admitted it. I asked him questions and he answered honestly. I didn't want details because it would have just killed me. He told me that he loved me and that it was a mistake and that he told her 2 weeks before I found out to leave him alone and that he loved me. She knew he had a girlfriend from the start, but it never stopped her. He never promised her anything. Apparently she was a loose girl who was bisexual and very aggressive. For a few months, I couldn't stop the pain in my heart that I felt every moment of every day. We decided to try and make it work, but part of me just wanted to torch his stuff. I thought better of it and decided to give him a try. I insisted that we both got tested for STDs (even though he said he used protection) and told him that if I even see ONE text or call to her, he would be gone. For the past four months we both have talked more than we have in years. We both cried. He is ashamed and so remorseful for what he did. He constantly tells me he is sorry, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I am sure it will be rough for a long time. Now I don't trust him at all. He met up with her behind my back while I was sitting at home trusting him. I feel so conflicted. Because even though he hurt me so much, I didn't stop loving him. But I am so angry that he put me through this...I feel like I should just be on my own. We have decided to give us time to see if we can make it. Make changes, earn trust back. We gave ourselves till the end of the year. We are starting to get closer now and then on friday, she texted him from another number just to say 'hi'. After 4 months!! He doesn't know I checked his phone, but I am SO ANGRY at her that I don't know what to do. Is she that desperate?? Yes, he is to blame because he allowed it to happen, but he told her to leave him alone and she is still trying to make contact. Just being sneakier about it. He did not respond to her text message and I have since blocked her number. Will this ever be ok? My life has been completely changed by this. I am so angry at her for trying to mess with my life again, I want to hurt her and it scares me. I don't know what to do anymore.....
Stacy
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/28/2008 4:22:40 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I just found out that my husbamd has been corresponding with a women via email and his cell phone. I was reading our emails and came across a very suscpious one from a woman seeking a date with a picture. I started looking to see if he might have another email address set up through another server. Well after a few moments, I found an email address that he had set up under Yahoo. There they were...emails from her and those that he sent her. She sent him pictures of herself that were quite explicit. He implied that he was divorced. It also indicated that they had spoken over the phone. I couldn't believe it. Of course, I got very upset and confronted him immediately. He admitted that he had gotten her number off a dating service he saw on television. He said that he stopped a few weeks ago but he couldn't even look me in the eye when he said this. He told me that he never met her and stopped before it went that far. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Whether sex was involed or not...he cheated. He broke our trust. I don't know what to do anymore. We've been married 15 years and have two beautiful children. I don't think I can forgive him.
Tiffany
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/28/2008 10:40:31 AM
|
|
|
tryingtomoveon
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
|
My husband and i have been together for 20 years, married 15 of them. He told me a month ago he wasn't happy and was moving out. The first week out, it was to help our marriage and not about going to the bars, second and third week out, it was about going to the bars, but not meeting anyone, and now he HAS met someone that he is seeing, but doesn't bother to come see our 3 children. 15, 14 and 6. First of all, how do i get the knot in my stomach to go away, from knowing he is with someone else. And second of all, how do i stay strong enough so my kids don't see how bad it is killing me? He is so detached, and goes days without contacting the kids. We were always such a close family, we did everything together, and now the kids are lost. And i am just trying not to think of him with the other woman. HOW DO YOU DO THAT????? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/28/2008 10:43:18 AM
|
|
|
tryingtomoveon
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
|
My husband did the same thing. He would get info on "singles websites", then a month ago told me he was leaving me and my 3 kids. He swears there was no one before he left, but i know there is someone now (its only been a month). Its the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with, and i'm sorry for what you are going thru. But i hear it gets easier to deal with. i hope that is true
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/28/2008 10:53:50 AM
|
|
|
Lisa
Posts: 103
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: tryingtomoveon
My husband and i have been together for 20 years, married 15 of them. He told me a month ago he wasn't happy and was moving out. The first week out, it was to help our marriage and not about going to the bars, second and third week out, it was about going to the bars, but not meeting anyone, and now he HAS met someone that he is seeing, but doesn't bother to come see our 3 children. 15, 14 and 6. First of all, how do i get the knot in my stomach to go away, from knowing he is with someone else. And second of all, how do i stay strong enough so my kids don't see how bad it is killing me? He is so detached, and goes days without contacting the kids. We were always such a close family, we did everything together, and now the kids are lost. And i am just trying not to think of him with the other woman. HOW DO YOU DO THAT????? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!
It's hard to stay family friendly in my post when I read things like this. Some men don't truly understand the meaning of a commitment. Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis, but he needs to think about what kept you both together all that time and find a way back to the family. I understand about hiding your anger and frustration from the children, but I'm sure the older children sense what you are going through.
Walking away is immature and irresponsible. After what you two have been through, he OWES you the complete truth. He OWES you time to work through your problems and see a counselor.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/28/2008 3:07:10 PM
|
|
|
tryingtomoveon
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
|
He refuses counseling. He said he's afraid it will work, and that isn't what he wants. My kids are in turmoil. They are so confused. I have read about midlife crisis, and it is trully what he is going thru. My therapist said there is nothing i can do about it, other than to just move on and try to find happiness. But knowing he is with someone else, so quickly is hard to get past. How do you get past the "thinking of the 2 of them", when i have been with him most of my life??????? this just sucks.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 8/28/2008 5:22:28 PM
|
|
|
ChristineB
Posts: 3732
Joined: 12/7/2007
Status: offline
|
It does. Definitely. What helped me is realizing just how many people have been where you are. We made it, you will. And another thing is that I bet a huge percentage of those that went through are are glad ...it is hard in the beginning but now that it's over I'm GLAD. You will be. Focus on the positives and let him go. It will take time, but in the end you will be happier than ever. really!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 9/4/2008 2:43:58 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I just found out a couple of days ago that my bf cheated on me 5 months ago. We have been together for 4 and a half years and have lived together for 3. He has lied to me in the past about other women, but I have never had proof of anything and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. This time I do have proof. The other woman didn't know I even existed. She feels terrible and told me exactly what happened. They only met that once since she lives out of state, but they have been exchanging emails and texts. They were going to meet in another city a couple of months ago, but he says he cancelled because he couldn't go through with it. He denied it completely up until the point where I told him that I spoke with her directly. Now he says he will try counseling or whatever else he needs to do. He says that he has a problem and doesn't know why he lies, but he wants to try counseling to get to the bottom of it. He says he wants to change. Losing him would mean losing my best friend, my home (since we live together), and my family since I love his famly like my own. I just don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what, I am screwed. I want to believe that he can change, but it scares me. I don't want to get into a marriage with someone who might hurt me and future children. He says he was planning to propose to me in a couple of months, which I am inclined to believe since I noticed he had been saving up a lot of money lately. I am just so confused and hurt.
unsure
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 9/4/2008 6:39:20 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
I just found out a couple of days ago that my bf cheated on me 5 months ago. We have been together for 4 and a half years and have lived together for 3. He has lied to me in the past about other women, but I have never had proof of anything and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. This time I do have proof. The other woman didn't know I even existed. She feels terrible and told me exactly what happened. They only met that once since she lives out of state, but they have been exchanging emails and texts. They were going to meet in another city a couple of months ago, but he says he cancelled because he couldn't go through with it. He denied it completely up until the point where I told him that I spoke with her directly. Now he says he will try counseling or whatever else he needs to do. He says that he has a problem and doesn't know why he lies, but he wants to try counseling to get to the bottom of it. He says he wants to change. Losing him would mean losing my best friend, my home (since we live together), and my family since I love his famly like my own. I just don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what, I am screwed. I want to believe that he can change, but it scares me. I don't want to get into a marriage with someone who might hurt me and future children. He says he was planning to propose to me in a couple of months, which I am inclined to believe since I noticed he had been saving up a lot of money lately. I am just so confused and hurt.
unsure
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 10/14/2008 1:52:12 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
So I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We have been together for almost 7. 2 years ago I found out that he was having an affiar long distant, but he was going way out of his way to carry on the relationship. I forgave him "easy" we jsut kept right on going. During the next year I kept finding clues and proof that they were still seeing each other. exactly 1 year later I left him for 6 weeks. but decided to make it work. Again....this time we went to counceling and it really seemed like it was working. But here I am a year and a half later...and what do you know he is with a new woman...This time I told him to leave. So what am I going to do now? I don't know. We have a 2 year old together and he is ther only father my 7 year old has ever known. I love him, but I love me too. I know what I am worth. I know what I wouldn't want my little girl to put up with. I know that I would lay my son out if he treated a woman like this. but yet i don't know if i want to fight for this marriage or not. So for all of you who are going through this for the first time, let me give you my insight on cheaters. This is an addiction...and like drug addicts or alcoholics...they can over come their addiction. However, everytime the addict is faced with the object of their addiction they are just a thought away from falling. So if you go into recovery knowing this, accepting this, and with eyes wide open then at least you will be one step ahead of the game. As for me...i am just trying to decide if I want to go through the rest of my life wondering if the object of his addiction has become to much for him to reject or if he has fallen yet again.
what a mess
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 10/17/2008 1:15:36 PM
|
|
|
Shellybelly
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline
|
Hi folks. I have been with my husband for 10 years. IN 2006, he cheated on me. It seems to be the "norm" these days. It was your typical cheat..but there was a samll twist. He cheated with my son's best friends mother. My son and her son used to play baseball together, and my husband was ateempting to be the "assistant coach" of our son's team. What I hadn't realized is that he was building a relationship with this woman from a year prior to that when they saw each other at a local college. This woma, was also best friends with my daughters' friends mother. Appreantly a small town, you think? SO as the tales unfold., my children and I were horribly embarrassed. Everyone knew but me. I was an active parent who raised THOUSANDS of dollars as a coordinator for various activities. I was well known in our town. The funny thing is, we are still together. I get no sympathy, nor do I deserve it. It was MY decision to attempt to work things out. The worst art of the situation is that my father was dying of cancer. Father's Day weekend, I was throwing a BBQ for my hubby and his family at our house. The friday before Fathers day, he walked out on me. So there Iwas, alone with 4 children, a mess, trying desperately to compose myself for the kids, and where did he go? Right to her house with his brother, thye got drunk and the rest is history.
We hadn't been close for quite some time. I was very preoccupied with my father and our children. However, I KNOW that can NOT be the excuse for what he did. It DOESN'T give him the right to hurt us that way. My father was ill, and because my Husband was SO preoccupied himself, he was a HORRIBLE support system for my children. He refused to take the kids to my family reunion because he"didn't feel Like it". He had promised he would, to take their minds of of my dying father and the very open wounds of his infedelity that they were having trouble with. As we rounded my father's last days, my husband was terrible for me. I had NO NE to lean on, and he was a horrible support for them while Iwas gone. My husband and father had swaped trucks for a while, as my father had intentions of using my husbands 4 wheel drive to go "swamping". My father had more money that he knew what to do with. He gave my hubby a 2003 Dodge Ram(2WD) with a HEMI, super charger, decals, the whole nine yards. The truck was worth over $50,000. My husbands Ford Explorer? OMG...MAYBE $3000? But that wasn't the point to my husband. My father promise that he would replace anything he broke or the whole truck all together. WHat a **** deal! Still in all, as I was in Florida, on Labor Day weekend(2006), All my husband did was bother me about "bringing his truck back..>ASAP" They way he disreguardedmy childrens feeling through a time they needed us, is and WAS inexcusable. They way he spent all of his time disreguarding MY feelings, well it sucks, but at the time, All I cared about was my children, who were back here in NY with a man who obviously didn't know that HE was not the priority!
Two years later, it still hurts. Not just the infedelity, but the fact that our family was destroyed AND my children suffered the brunt. ! NEVER did it occur to me that this was all my fault!! I have no clue how to deal with this. NOW, we are in the midst of a nasty court battle with our oldest daughter's biological father. That is a whole other story. My oldest adughter has apparently been so damamged and embarrassed by the fact all that took place that she has begged me to get rid of my husband ever since. She is now claiming some inappropriate touching went on and that my husband has been walking in on her for the last 3 years! The child protactive case is now closed but she is treating me like crap, because I am assuming I didnt just toss him out because of his cheating. OMG..I am feeling so alone and empty. NOW WHAT?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 10/17/2008 1:21:41 PM
|
|
|
Shellybelly
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline
|
You can only show that you are going to be with your children, unconditionally. Get them in counseling. No matter how bad it is, NEVER speak "Ill" about him, no matter how hard it is. Keep your chin up. A thought would be go o church, join local groups that your church has for support. call a friend. I cried alot when it was me, but generally tried to do this when the kids were in school. OK, so I creid ALOT. Yes, it is hard not too. CAll a help line. You are annonomous(sp?..LOL) or join these fabulous chat ares for support! Good luck, and keep your chin up. Don't let your self fall pray to the teenager way of handling very grown up things. I am sure you are intelligent and we all see that you LOVE your children. Just remember to buy come CALGON and "bathe" it off!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 10/28/2008 12:41:14 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me, and I dont know what to do. I caught him and the girl together in our house in our bed. He even admited to me that if I had not caught them he wouldn't have told me. He said that he is sorry and that the time that I caught them was going to be the last because she was getting to attched. But I just dont know if I can beleive him. It has been 3 weeks now and we are trying to make things work, but I just can't get that image out of my mind. And when I bring it up he gets angry. What do I do.
Stormy
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 11/10/2008 7:31:14 AM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
After twelve wonderful years of marriage, I found out the my wife was having an affair for the past month. It has torn my life upside down as I felt that this was one of the only people in the world that was not capable of hurting me like this. I can't sleep or eat and have found ways to blame myself. She was my first love, my world and I looked forward to growing old with her, but now I don't know what our future will bring. She has been acting like I am being unreasonable for hurting the way that I do and tells me that I am putting pressure on her. She tells me that the sexual relationship is over but that she still conciders him a good friend and continues to talk to him. I don't now what to do. All I ever wanted was to make her happy and no matter what a great husband I am it was not good enough. Sorry for babbling but I am going through a lot right now.
sad&lonely
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 11/10/2008 5:21:51 PM
|
|
|
Ishcaboo
Posts: 36
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
|
Sorry to hear the bad news Sad & Lonely. I'm no expert but I do know that successful marriages come with mutual conditions of conduct. I think you ought to have a serious talk with the woman and present yourself from a point of strength, strong enough to push her aside if she isn't willing to meet agreed upon conditions of conduct. Being a patsy makes no one happy except the guy who is having sex with your wife. Hope things get better, buddy.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When He Cheats… Coping With Infidelity - 11/10/2008 9:06:51 PM
|
|
|
ArticlePost
Posts: 2043
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline
|
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now and just this past summer I found out he had cheated with a girl at work. I found out through looking through his messages on his phone and my suspisions were verified. The reason I was suspicous in the first place was out of the blue he said he needed more "alone time" and from then on he acted like a stranger from what I knew him to be. Looking back, my intuition was totally telling me what I didn't want to believe. I confronted him twice. The first time he admited to seeing her behind my back and the second time he finally admitted to being intimate with her. I could have dealt with his first confession well enough but when I later found out they had actually had sex I was absolutely floored and heartbroken. She texted him "the sex was great" after he had broken it off with her. And on top of dealing with fixing things with him she still persists to the point of desperation. I've told him where I stand with keeping in contact with her no matter how innocent but he just doesn't get it! I have my days where I'm so angry still but his behaviour and attitude towards our relationship is much better than before. How do I deal??
Sasha
|
|
|
|
|
|
Printable Version
