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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/15/2008 4:39:16 PM
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Ishcaboo
Posts: 35
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Anna, I truly understand your pain. I understand why accepting a husband's act of cheating is seemingly unforgiveabe. What would any of us do if Jesus held all of us to such high standards of personal conduct. I understand why the "excuses" I gave were offered as justifications for doing something that one wanting to do anyway. What I said undoubtedly has been said before. My parents were married more than 50 years and a couple at my church has been married more than 70 years, yet neither of the partners of those unions can or will say that the marriages were perfect. I maintain that a marriage is more than sharing physical interactions. Physical interactions without emotions, i.e., love and everything that goes with it, is meaningless as grounds for unforgiveness in a marriage where the husband does everything else right and satisfactorily in the eyes of the wife. I,m not talking about a serial cheater. I have done my wife wrong but I know for sure that my wife could find a better husband than I have been. Does my wife ever stop wondering what the other woman was like? I'm sure she does but what the other woman received from me is no more than a grain of sand on a beach in camparison to what I give my wife every day of her life, as well as I give to my children. Perfect love does not exist. Perfect trust does not exist. An otherwise marriage of high value of between two imperfect human beings is worth a second chance. Valuate the whole person. Who is he without the single break in trust? Is your life better without him than the two of you praying together as he asks forgiveness and you granting it and never again bring up the subject.
My God continue bless your marriage.
P.S. Sorry about any typing mistakes. I don't type very well.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/15/2008 6:48:04 PM
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dianerene
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Location: sunny so cal, usa
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maybe it's just me, but it seems like you are comparing a single instance where you cheated on your wife, to a man who forgets to put the toilet seat down. my husband is not perfect, neither am I, and we love each other despite our faults. I am moody, a perfectionist, and I have a short temper ... he is a bit of a slob, and always leaves me with an empty gas tank ... these are character defects, things that can be forgiven and worked on, not stabs to the trust we have in each other. No marriage is perfect, I agree ... all marriages have to be worked on ... absolutely ... but to treat infedelity as if it were a minor shortcoming is absurd to me.
I'm not saying that any person who takes a cheating spouse back is crazy - I feel it is different for each and every marriage, but I do not agree with the rationalization you have given ... cheating is slightly more destructive than just having a non-perfect marriage.
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♥ diane  |
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/15/2008 11:22:23 PM
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ArticlePost
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My new husband is very handsome, and younger than me. He loves me so much but he has much less experience than me sexually. He wants to fool around. He wants to chat on the net. He is the type of guy who likes women and wants sex with more than one woman. Like someone here said, I'm good to him, he loves sex with me, and he is very satisfied with me in the marriage; however, his character is that of a cheater. He prays, goes to religious services, but sees that as his one big weakness. He wants to change, but I know he can't do that. I am afraid of him having an affair that becomes serious, afraid that my body can't measure up to a 22 year old's figure, and that he'll lose interest in me if he finds someone he is attracted to more than me. On the other hand, my fears are MY fears. I think he likes the stability of home, its comforts, and basically he wants me as the permanant fixture in his life--the perceived "nice girl." To be completely honest, I have a lover since before I met him and have never given him up. This doesn't effect my feelings or my lust for my husband. I do like the variety of the two. So I'm in a really strange situation because I'm very jealous (as is he, and it would break the marriage if he knew about it) but I want to be understanding and trust that the marriage comes first, always. Well, that's just how I feel.
Confused
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/16/2008 10:42:02 AM
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Ishcaboo
Posts: 35
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Diane, please be more tolerant. Any thing worth saving is worth the effort of fixing when broken. My comments to Anna were intentions of offering a bit of comfort for her pain and suggestion on reasons why she should look at the whole man in order to alleviate the hurt. Happiness, Diane, in this world of folks who seek the elusiveness of happiness in marriage, work, religion, business partnership or whatever, is what one is willing to settle for. I will never understand or would want to, people who refuse to acknowledge and deal with human weaknesses. They think nothing of a husband or wife who fantacize about another person while making love or even when not, which, according to Jesus, be tantamount adultry without the actual physical contact. So where do you stand from a christian stand point. Control of mind or control body? Or both? I'd like to know.
And by the way, my 5 sons have been taught to never leave the toilet seat up and so was I. I,m enjoying the dialogue and hope and pray I have not offended you or anyone else.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/16/2008 1:31:31 PM
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ArticlePost
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I do understan Ishcaboo what you are saying, I am a religous person. I think that's why part of me wants him to stay, we are working on it. I just can't get by all the lies he told me to protect his friends. I can't understand why a man would pay for sex with a private lap dancer when our sex life is so strong. That's what I can't understand. Why? I could see if I was a ****, or moody and didn't want sex but I make sure I look the best I can when he comes home from work, I have conversations about his day, I'm not perfect by all means, I am not the most beautiful thing on earth but I take very good care of myself and dress well, and dress sexy for him. I'm not saying we never had a fight we did, no marriage is perfect. I did forgive him, but I also hate him for what he did. I'm the one hurting and not being able to function, he wants to forget it and start a new, he seems like it doesn't bother him, I know it probably does but he is trying to help me forget. He is telling me how much he loves me. It was a bad choice a stupid thing he did, but it doesn't make me stop thinking why he did it in the first place. Yes I do think it was opportunity, in Maine I'd never find out, but there has to be a reason and he says there is no reason. First he told me he picked up a girl at the bar, and went to the parking lot in her car. Then after three days of questions he finally said it was a strip club all the guys went he didn't want to tell me that because he thought I would be so mad I would tell the other wives. He said he kept his pants on and just touched her. A private lap dance for 20$. What is up with that bullshit. He also said he had them before but never a private one. So, how do I believe him now? Have him followed if he goes out? I can't live like that, I want to trust him, I really do think he is sorry, but only time will tell. I don't want to throw away 41 years of being together, I love him very much. He does love me, I have no doubt, really, but I hate him for what he did, it was wrong, he broke our vows by touching and having sex with god knows who and that disgusts me more than anything. Even though it's not an affair. If I didn't find out would he still be doing this. Would he still do worse things? I don't know. I pray to God to help me through this because some days, I just want to die that's how much I hurt.Anna
Anna
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/16/2008 2:09:19 PM
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dianerene
Posts: 1680
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Location: sunny so cal, usa
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I think I am being tolerant, I havent said that your wife is a whackjob for taking you back, or that any person who takes a cheating spouse back is a nutcase (and please know this is totally in jest!). In fact, it's quite the opposite. I respect any person willing to try and work through something the significant. I have seen marriages work after cheating, and I have seen trust rebuilt.
the only part that I do not agree with is the comparison of cheating to that of human weakness. in my opinion, weakness is something we have no control over ... an initial thought or "knee-jerk" reaction. I cannot control the flush in my cheeks when an attractive man compliments me, or the increased beat of my heart when I am flirted with. I can control what I do after that ... the distance at which I stand, the tone of my voice, and ultimately, whether I have sex with him.
... you cannot control your first thought, but you can control what you do with it ... (in response to control over mind/body question  )
I have a friend that has not smoked a cigarette in 15 years. she has found herself looking for her cigarettes, not really conscious of what she was searching for, and she says that a week into her smoke free life, she lit one up without realizing she had done it (force of habit), but once she realized what she was doing, or what she is seraching for, she has the CHOICE to continue or stop. once the choice is there, the control is given. so unless there is someone who can HONESTLY say that they just FOUND themselves in the middle of the act, and never had the thought, "this isn't right", "I should stop", or "what the hell am I doing?" then sure, I would say that it was a weakness ... something took over your conscious actions. but how many people can really say that has happened? I have known a lot of cheaters and all of them have told me that there was regret or guilt at some point and they "felt they couldn't go back", but they choice was theres.
and as far as what I think from a christian stand point? as far as religion goes, I have no opinion. I do not feel that every marriage is governed by the same guidelines, and in turn, each couple needs to define their own definition and understanding of cheating. a couple that swings or swaps is obviously not going to define cheating the same way a monogomous couple would. some would define cheating as the act of sexual intercourse outside the marriage, others would say sharing intimate details about your life with someone else is cheating, still others would say chatrooms with sexual discussion is cheating ... it's different for everyone. but a pretty good signal would be, if you feel you have to be sneaky, or if you feel guilt or remorse, or know that your spouse wouldn't be happy with it ... it's at the very least WRONG.
and just to add, I personally have not taken offense to anything you have said, and I hope you haven't either. I rather enjoy the dialogue as well, and I figured if you were going to put your faults out on the internet for anyone to read, you were probably man enough to take in a few opinions
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♥ diane |
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/16/2008 4:29:37 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Anna, I have 4 sons older than 50 years old. My family has been together a long time. I shall never forget what I did many years ago. I think about it several times a year, so I know my wife thinks about it. But she doesn't show it. But she chose to stay with me and, believe me, she had a choice. After all these years I am very proud to walk hand in hand with her. Just today, walking from our vehicle to a store, we walked hand in hand. I honestly wish I do something magical to make you pain go away. It is imperative that you not blame yourself. Forty years are a long time investment to throw away for someone else's conduct, but you must be assured that he is sorry, has apologized and promises not to do any thing like that again. Take all of that and turn it over to God and let Him worry about it. You take what God has given you and the healing will begin. You didn't mention his religious faith. If he has any, that's a big plus. God surely will continue bless you. I will include you in my prayers.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/16/2008 4:40:24 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Confused, I concur with my new friend Diane. What a mess you've described.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/17/2008 7:03:01 AM
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ArticlePost
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He is Catholic also, he's been attending Mass with me on Sundays for the last three weeks, he said he loves doing things with me, and enjoyed going to church, I am trying very hard to let it go, I do know he is truly sorry. He said he wants to just let it die and say and do things to help me forget he wants me to be happy. I love him Ishcaboo, with my whole heart, I think it was just a mistake a big one, Keep praying for me please, to give me the courage to keep going and try to put this in a place deep deep inside. He took me to lunch it was such a surprise, he held my hand and told me how much he loves me, that was really nice, I just want to stop thinking about what happened. Thanks so much for continuing to write to me, I feel so alone somedays, this really helps me a lot.
Anna
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/19/2008 8:59:36 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Anna, please hang in there. It is easy for me to say I seems your husband is trying to help you put his misconduct behind both of you, therefore, you shoud help him. I'm almost certain that he sees you are in pain and he may be trying to do and say things to get thoughts on the positive events involving the two of you. As harsh as it may seem when I say this, and I don't mean add to your frustrations, I think he is doing all he can to right the wrong did. Now it is up to you to do you whatever you csn to get the two of you back to where you were before this occurred. Believe me, family world is brighter whe God's sunshine is allowed to enter. Please try to allow the sunshine in. I don't know you and never will but I do know that in Christ I love you. Bless you and your family.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/24/2008 11:00:37 AM
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ArticlePost
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We were together 2 yrs prior to marriage, married 15 yrs, and all of a sudden he walks, I had not a clue. We have been divorced for 3 yrs and I have never healed. I did tell him prior to marriage,never cheat on me or do drugs.We were both married before and had went through tough times in those marriages. His ex had cheated on him and he had a hard time excepting that.I had 4 children from my first marriage, but he was their father,that was mutual on both sides.He lost a very good job that he loved, I used to tease him and say your married to your job before me. Had friends he no longer associates with, let alone any of the kids, or grandchildren.The first 2 grandchildren he would had given his right arm for, as he did not have children and these were his children. I'm not going to paint a rosy picture and say everything was perfect, but whose marriage is? But nothing I would have ever deamed would have led to this. Nobody, but nobody knows who he is anymore, and everyone is totally baffled.We traveled, talked about our long term future, did everything together. The yr he left we went to Mexico in Jan and March, which we did every yr, bought our new Harley in April and went to Maine on it in July and he walked in Oct. That made no sense to anyone, does that sound like things were bad between us? He had no time to cheat, worked hard and we spent the rest of the time together.I fight depression since I admitted at 40 there was someting wrong, and now it gets the best of me. Unhappy,unable to except this, and even thoughts of suicide. I want the marriga back so much,and I don't feel I am fooling myself by saying that I feel he still loves me. In no way do I think that this is dependence, I love him so much, my life is empty, I miss everything our marriage was.I am a very put together woman, my mother was a very classy lady and I'd like to say that I follow in her foot steps. I am paid compliments in evey aspect, and no I'm not arragant.We could put on our casual clothes and look good on vacation, glof course, put on leathers to ride bike, and our dress clothes and be invited to dine at the captains table on a crews. We were so much alike.He was a good husband, father, friend, had a great sense of humor, good looking, smart, witty, and this is said with no,no exaggeration. He is not the same person I knew, he does thing that are so out of character ,within 1 week he changed.He lives with the person he cheated with, someone who is engaged to someone else, she's a person who gets a hold on men and is very caddy.This is not the first time that she has interfered in marriages, or relatioships. Now she drags him to places she knows I will be,or even the kids, it's like he is her trophy.Which I know bothers him as he has never looked at me.I've been told it was a change of life, as he was 48 pushing 50.And that he is with her because he knows there is no commitment involved. I've also been told because of the drastic change, drugs, but I've never known hi
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/26/2008 1:20:54 AM
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ArticlePost
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Well, coping with infidelity is very painful,but i believe everyone deserves to be treated with love and mercy, the cheater should be given another chance if he/she is truly sorry and regrets what happened,if it ever happens again shame on the cheater and this should be the end.
Christine M
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/29/2008 12:21:52 PM
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ArticlePost
Posts: 1008
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I just wanted to write to say, i have been married 29 yearsand through half of these he has cheated on me, and is still doing it i caught him a couple of weeks ago he has been instant messaging a woman, and this kept on he would make excuses to go and play cards at a certain time and she was his partner every time, it got to the point now where i go into the room and she is online and he tells meoh she just asked if i wanted to partner her i asked him why cant she she just ask you in the room instaed of im ing you .but to make a story short in my husbands case its once a cheat always a cheat he is habitual liar,and turns anything he does to make me the bad guy why everthing he does is because of me,why do i stay i am scared as hell to be on my own,i dont drive so i am kind of stuck there and i have no family here in the state i am in but i am trying to find a job so i can get enough money to find my own place and get him out of my life.for good just pray for me that i have enough strenth to do this on my own
Fran
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/29/2008 7:43:48 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Fran, my hearts aches for you. You didn't mention having minor children. Nevertheless, some marriages are not worth saving. One of my sons was in such a marriage and he was definitely the bad guy. I chose to support his wife in everything she decided to do end the marriage. It has been 14 years since she kicked him out and I still consider a wonderful woman and even without nothing but support from me, she has done very well. God has not forgotten you.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/13/2008 1:22:09 PM
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ArticlePost
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My husband has cheated about 15 years ago with 2 women that I found about. I forgave him mainly because I made a terrible mistake and had a one night stand myself an act I was totally sorry for I didn't tell him, about it but I confessed it to God and was totally repented for it. I lived with guilt until he had another affair and I told him about myself.He throws it in my face whenever I confront him with this recent affair.My second mistake might have been in confessing it to him. I'm now struggling with the decision of leaving or staying. I am detached from him I have no feelings for him and I would love it if he left,but he won't go.I am not working and have been a stay athome mom for the last 11 yrs.our son is 15 and I'm worried what a divorce will do to him. He is a great kid and a great student.Do I stay for my son or will I be doing deeper damage to him? He knowswhats going on by over hearing us. I'm now loking for a job and planning on going to school.I need lots of prayer. I am so confused. But now my son is my priority. Whatis best for him.My husband is a good father but a lousy husband.
stacy
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/16/2008 1:23:22 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Wow, Stacy. Your history is very much like that my daughter faced many years ago. I asked her when her daughter, my granddaughter, was about 5 years old why she didn't leave her lousy husband and she said she would after her daughter finished high school. I didn't believe her. Well, she did! She wen back to college and got her degree. Her own daughter will completed her college education with a bachelor's degree May 2007. They both have excellent jobs while the slob ex husband is still chasing women suitable for his own character. A major difference in my daughter and your situation is that her husband was a terrible father, however, their daughter hasn't yet be able to recognize how awful he was/is. You didn't ask but I'll offer one bit of advice. Prepare yourself for the day you will be all you can be and be proud of who you are and hopefully your son will recognize the angel in you. If you think you might be interested in a future husband, I'm sure God knows who and when. Hang in there!
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/21/2008 12:32:20 PM
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ArticlePost
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I CANT SAY I HAVENT BEEN CHEATED ON BUT I THINK I WAS. DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMANIM 22 AM YOUNG AND SMART. I WISH MEN OULD MAKE BETTER DECISIONS IN LIFE. WHEN HE LEFT ME IT DIDNT HURT THAT MUCH BUT THEN WHEN I REALIZED 24 HRS THAT HE HAD MOVE ON WITH ANOTHER WOMAN BETTER FIT THAN ME IT HURT! THE PART THAT HURT AS WELL THE MOST IS THAT HE WNT ALONG MAKING ME THINK THAT HE WANTED ME KNOWING THAT HE DIDNT~ WHAT DO I DO! SHLD I TAKE HIM BACK?? IVE BEEN WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE WE HAVE BEEEN BROKEN UP - HE MADE LOVE TO ME -AND MADE ME FEEL GOOD.
JESSICA
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/27/2008 10:45:45 AM
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karol1979
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MY husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years and have been together a total of 5 years. We have two small children.
I recently found out he’s been cheating on me with several women. A few years ago while I was on maternity leave from our first son I found out that he had been talking on the phone to another girl. We had an argument but I forgave him because nothing else had happened just the phone conversations because the girl was in a different state. At the time he told me that she was a friend of his. I later found out that they were actually engaged. I spoke to the girl and she did tell me that she had not seen him but that they were planning to meet up. He swore to me that he had never said that to her and that she was just trying to make me jealous….What he did hurt me a lot because when I found out I started looking at phone records and I found out that even the night that our son was born he left me right after I was taken to my room he left and he called her. (BTW, She didn’t know that we had a child) Anyways we worked through it and everything was going ok. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, like I’m sure none are but we were doing ok. I got pregnant with my second son and I though things were good. Well, last year I happened to go through our cell phone record because I needed a number that I had called and I started seeing a phone number that he kept making/receiving calls from. And I’m not talking about calls every couple of days, I mean several times a day. I confronted him about it because it was all too similar to his previous phone activity when his first “infidelity” occurred (I do consider him talking to another phone an infidelity; he had an emotional attachment to that girl). Anyways he gave me some bogus excuse till this day I don’t know why I believed him. I guess it’s because I was 8 months pregnant and I started getting contractions so I kinda put it in the back burner for the baby’s sake and just forgot about it once the baby was born. Well, after the baby was born he started going out more and later and later every night. He really wasn’t there for me to help me with the baby. Two days after I freaking got home from the hospital he went out and came home late. Anyways, I kinda blame myself for letting his behavior slide for so long. His work cell phone was always hidden. He wanted to go out all the time and it even came down to he would go outside to talk on the phone at night. I guess part of me though that he was trying to make me think that he was cheating to make me upset. I never would he would have been capable of actually physically going out with other woman. I kept asking him about it and he kept swearing to me that he wasn’t cheating and he would even ridicule me for thinking that he was cheating. He really said some mean things to me. Then one day I went to get something out of his car without him knowing and in his trunk he had a heart shaped keychain with his and the girls name on it along with some condoms. I rushed inside and trew it at his feet and asked him about it. He tried to lie to me about it and told me it was old. To make a long story short he finally told me he had seen the girl and he had started seeing her 2 months prior. I asked for a number and he gave it to me. Now this is wehre it gets interesting.....
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Printable Version
Stay or Leave Cheating Husband? 
