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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/27/2008 10:46:11 AM
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karol1979
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The number of the woman that he gave me was not of the woman that had left the stuff in his trunk (why he did that I don’t know) This woman was not very bright and never really said anything about me knowing her by a different name (trust me it’s a big mess, I know) turns out that the woman that he told me about he had been seeing off and on for the 5 years that we have been together and according to him the only sexual act that they engaged in was oral sex. I don’t believe this though. He confessed about a few other woman that he had gone out with/talked on the phone to but that nothing happened supposedly. I kept on asking him if he was telling me the truth and he swore he was. A week or so after I initially found out I woke up in the middle of the night and found his work phone I turned it on and there it was a message from another woman. I again confronted him about it right there and then and he told me he didn’t really know who it was from that it was from one of the woman he had gone out with but that he wasn’t sure which one. This was like at 4 in the morning. So the next day on my way to work, I called and asked him again, are you sure you don’t know who that message was from… and again he said he had an idea but wasn’t sure, so I hung up and called the number that I memorized. And sure enough it was another girl he was seeing but this one told me he was HER boyfriend and a whole bunch of other stuff that he tells me is not true. Given his track record of lies I don’t believe him.
After all we are trying to work it out. I do love him but I can’ get past this at all. I can’t get past not knowing the truth. I am seriously obsessed with it and really nothing that he says changes how I feel about it. I told him that if she’s lying than why he doesn’t confront her in front of me so that I know the truth. I know this may be bad but this is actually what I’m looking for in him. If someone was telling him lies about me especially after I royally screwed up the least I would do is try to clear up the lies. I believe that there is more to the story and that’s why he just wants to forget about it. First of all there has to be a reason why he wouldn’t tell me about her in the first place. I would have never found out about the girl he had been seeing for the last 5 years if he had told me about this other one in the first place.
Do you think I’m wrong for wanting him to confront her??
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/28/2008 10:44:10 AM
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Steve
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I'm sorry about what you have gone through Karol1979.
From a guys perspective, I know guys that will lie until they are caught red handed. If he ever tells you that he's going to confront her, he's probably lying. He most likely will tell her something to keep her on the side while keeping you.
I find that some people cannot be alone. They cannot remain single for a long period of time. This causes them to fall right back into old relationships or get mixed up in a new relationship that might not be what they are looking for.
I'm a guy, so I cannot say I can fully relate. But I know that guys really don't change their habits.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/31/2008 1:50:02 PM
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Ishcaboo
Posts: 35
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If I corrrectly understand what you wrote, you have nothing to take back and you are in no position to accept what he may could offer you other than being made to feel good. Making love and feeling good often can often be no more than a few minutes/hours of having you mind off of troubles you think you can solve only by going back to where you should be trying to get from. It looks to me like you are not ready for a relationship at first requires maturity. Please take a look at yourself to determine if you are ready for a real Mr right if a Mr right is ready for you. God bless.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 11/2/2008 1:29:03 AM
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ArticlePost
Posts: 1008
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my husband wnet away for a funeral and has not come back ny daughter tracked him fown on the phone and he just basically said I tracked down my ex girlfriend from I was fifteen and now Im with her just like that he pack my clothes I ll pick them up we have 2 children my daughter 12 was deeply affected by this she does not want anything to do with him she said why would he dump us like that. I mean we werent getting along physically because he was on medication for his arthritas so i didnt push the sex thing because he was embarassed that he was having problems and hen says to me on the ohone we werent having sex and that is why he sleeping with this new woman I kust dont understand because besides that issue we were great together we got really well i miss his company so much. He really nasty and cold to me when he is with another woman because he ahs done this to me before and when that relationship fails im afraid he might think he can just come back again.like he usually does but this time Im going to be stronger or try to be
sonya
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 11/4/2008 12:41:51 PM
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Ishcaboo
Posts: 35
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Wow Sonya, that's cold. You didn't say how long you and he have been together but perhaps that isn't revelant. Sometimes long term marriages have issues of drindling sexual desires. Sometimes new surrounding, time outs and other new things (excluding new sexual partners) can improve that sexual feeling in a marriage. There may be occasions where medication can cause men to lose sexual desires (or provide an excuse) or cause problems with erections.
Some men just get tired of sex with their same woman, typically when there is sex without love, and find a different sexual partner sexually stimulating(or at least exciting). That seems like the kind of guy you have. I'm not a professional with these matters, however if you have this kind of guy, I think your best route to happiness for youself and your children may be to find a man of character who loves and will love you regardless of whatever.
I don't know how old you are but I'm willing to bet my faith in mankind that there is someone (new) for you.
God bless
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 11/4/2008 12:47:13 PM
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Ishcaboo
Posts: 35
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Karol1979, I have to disagree with part of what Steve wrote. Cheating is a behavior issues. Changes can occur if one wants it to change. I know!! I have made some serious changes in my life as I've gotten older
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 11/5/2008 12:54:36 PM
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ArticlePost
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cheating is a way to get out of a relationship. People don't realize how much pain they cause to the other partner.
monique
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/2/2008 10:12:03 AM
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ArticlePost
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So what do you do when your husband finally after years of cheating and lying has finally changed? Now I'm tired and angry - so angry! I stayed too because he was a good father and provider but did i make a mistake
Anna
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/7/2008 11:13:47 PM
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ArticlePost
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I just recently found out that my husband cheated on me with someone that was supposidly my friend. After I found out, he put his arms around me and told me that he loved me and was so sorry. Told me that it was the biggest mistake he has ever made, and that he was sure that I was going to pack my things and go. I told him that I was going to stay, but that this was going to be hard on both of us. It has been very hard. It has only been 2.5 months he has put up with my lack of trust, my insecurities, and all the other horrible things that go along with this. He could have taken the easy route and left the first time that I said he couldn't do something because I didn't trust that was what he was gonna do. I've thrown it in his face on a few different occasions and instead of getting mad at me, he has let me vent it out. He holds me when I cry, he does more to help me now than he ever has. He makes plans for us to do things together. (For a while before it happened, he didn't ask me to do anything with him.) I feel like he has truely found out what he may have lost. And I have told him that if he ever does it again that I won't let him stay. And that I won't be the one house hunting. The kids and I will stay put. My heart still hurts, and may always do so. He has the chance to help it heal. He can 1) Rebuild our relationship or 2) cheat on me again and leave. Either one I'll heal. The scar may always be there, but I have to be a better me for me. I don't know why I put all this here, maybe because I need someone to talk to and you have been there, or maybe it will help someone else in a similar situation.
JMB
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/15/2008 6:10:34 PM
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ArticlePost
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My husband and I have been married for just under a year and a half. I found out last week that he has been buying porn magazines and toys, and looking at a lot of porn on the web. He has also signed up for close to 15 "dating" websites. He has profiles on these sites, many are dedicated to cheating on your spouse, most are dedicated to having sex. I have been suspicous, but whenever i asked him he always reassured me that he hasn't and NEVER would do anything to hurt me. He was planning to meet these women and have sex, but never did. (This is what he says, i don't know whether to believe it or not.) He tries to excuse part of it by saying that if he really wanted to have sex he would have done it. He has been doing this all for 2 months. I finally caught some little thing that made me suspicous and I guess he couldn't come up with a lie fast enough and I badgered him for days until he gave in and told me. I didn't know what to do. But I am still with him. We got in a fight about it, 5 days after he told me, he was furious that I was still asking him questions about it. Why is it that he is so unwilling to talk about what he's done? He doesn't understand that I need to know everything. I can't stop thinking about it. I spent a week doing next to nothing but crying, and he was angry with me for that. I am 22 years old, he is 27. I feel like marrying him was the worst mistake of my life. I can't believe he would do this, he seems so completely unlike him. I feel like I don't know him at all. How can I stay with a man I don't even know? I can't trust him, but he doens't understand that and thinks I shouldn't question that he is telling me everything. I feel like I might be throwing my life away by staying with him. I am 22, and feel like I deserve (and could get) so much better. How do I get over this?
V
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/15/2008 7:36:35 PM
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Ishcaboo
Posts: 35
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With most men who cheat it all about sex and in most cases that is all he will be getting from woman with whom he cheats. As a wife, it is difficult to compete with that because you are providing him more than sex and he knows he already has you. Of course, cheating hurts and when I was cheating years ago, I knew that but I thought my wife would never find out. If a man loves being married, and I know you know marriage is more than sex, he has to stop and think about what he is doing, evaluate what he could lose, recognize and acknowledge his wife pain, irrespective whether he thinks his conduct is harmless, he will stop it. V I think you should tell your husband that regardless how much enjoyment he gets out of what he is doing and how harmless he thinks it is, it hurts you and ascetain if he really cares about how you feel. If you don't get the answer you want, as a young woman, I think you should move on. Believe me, a happy marriage is a joyous life. God bless you.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/24/2008 11:53:23 PM
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BabyK
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I need help bad. My husband cheated 4 7years with 9 diff. women. I love him to death but all he do is lie to me . We have 2 beautiful kids together. I have cryed until my eyes were red. I just dont know what to do. The trust is gone i dont eat cant sleep. His bestfriend told me he was cheating. You already know he lied three days later he told the truth. I want to leave so bad but i just cant do it. Someone please help me.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/6/2009 1:32:28 PM
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Ishcaboo
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My heart aches for you. It is obvious to me that your husband does not want to continue being married to you. I know that may be a hard thing for you to accept. He seems to not care about you or the stability of the lives of his children. If you have family members, I think you should turn to them for comfort and contact help support groups in your residential area. And finally, if you are able to support yourself, I think you should start divorce action tomorrow. However, you should consider whether you'd be better without him than with him. May God continue blessing you.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/13/2009 8:14:50 PM
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ArticlePost
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I have been married for 26 years, the marriage was a true love story, until I was cleaning my kitchen counter, his wallet fell and as i was putting the papers in found a note that said,in his handwriting, "I love You" and another handwriting sayin "2". When confronted he laughed, finally admitted a week later, I asked ovver & over did you sleep with her he said no until she thought she was pregnant. She works with him, they see each other 5 days a week. The pain and hurt doesn't go away. He swears its over, but how do I know it the truth, he lied so many times. I love him with all my heart and want to save my marriage, but how do I trust him? I hear his words, but don't feel them. I have been faithful, honest and kind, the perfect wife, I raised 2 great boys, do I tell them. I am totally lost for the first time in my life, I don't know how to start to repair myself. Plese help me.
carmen
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/18/2009 7:45:40 PM
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Ishcaboo
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I'm not an expert, for sure. Having said that, my thoughts are you should tell him exactly how you feel. All of it. And tell him that you don't know how you can begin to fix the marriage and yourself as a woman, wife and person. And that you don't know where to turn for help. And tell him that if he won't help you you might have to turn to the sons for not only morale support but also how you should proceed with your life. Somehow you must commit to trusting him again because if you can't or won't, considering the two work together, nothing positive can be accomplished. Accept what he says about the situation, even when there is doubt. Remember, there has been and still is, doubt about this whole Jesus thing and we are told to accept it by faith. You and have been together a long time. There must have been some good times. Remember those times and ask him to re live them with you. Hope all ends well for you.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/19/2009 9:30:26 PM
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ArticlePost
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This is still pretty fresh. My husband, daughter and I (pregnant) we're moving and due to possession date of our house I had to move 2 months earlier than he. He and my daughter stayed in our old city 12 hours away as I, pregnant, found a home, bought a home, stripped wallpaper, painted, moved furniture, etc all by myself. I hadn't started work yet and knew NOBODY. He was staying with my sister sometimes, my mother sometimes, and also with a married friend sometimes. He eventually ended up sleeping with her. They fooled around 5 times before having sex and she stopped the sex in the middle and said it was a mistake. They remained friends and as soon as he moved in with me I knew something happened. He was secretive, especially about his phone, even though I expected him to keep in touch with her. He treated me horribly, didn't talk to me, treated me as if I was a much lesser of a person, etc. I drilled him about all the time, talked about divorce after the baby was born, etc. It didn't seem to phase him. Eventually he admitted that he put himself in inappropriate situations but nothing happened, no feelings. Then in August after she told him llose his number he admitted to having feelings but nothing sexual! And he was very very sorry. Then in January, he asked why I wasn't very nice to him anymore and I said it was because I thought he had an affair. He admitted it but said only once and that he stopped it. I called her and found out it was the 5 times of fooling around then the one sex that SHE stopped. Then he kept calling and texting her. He admitted to me that she was telling the truth. My whole pregnancy, and birth of my son seems so tainted and sad now. He is so sorry he is in hysterics, even so much that he went to counselling himself and begged me to join him. He is constantly crying, writing me letters, poems, begging to help me with stuff. I would have an easier time if I didn't know he chased he, even after we thought we had worked things out and were doing "good" again. Am I an idiot to stay? We have been married 9 years and have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 5month old. I don't know what to do, I want to leave, but I just never seem to be able to commit to ending it! Please help me!
Mary
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/22/2009 11:51:23 PM
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Roller Community
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Mary,
I saw your post, no you are not an idiot, I can see why it is hard for you to commit to leaving, You have a baby, and a sm.child..... You probably don't want to break up your marriage, because of them, I was there a year ago. It will take a long time, before you will be able to trust him... He broke your trust, let him earn your trust again, Do you have a great support system (like) family, friend, and etc... They are the ones that will make you stronger.. For me it was my sister, I had lived with her, she was my strength, I would not have been able to do this myself... She made me stronger.. I have faith in you.... Trust in the lord your God, he will not forsake you.
_____________________________
Jennifer Roller
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/23/2009 12:29:12 PM
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fiery
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quote:
He admitted to me that she was telling the truth. My whole pregnancy, and birth of my son seems so tainted and sad now. He is so sorry he is in hysterics, even so much that he went to counselling himself and begged me to join him. He is constantly crying, writing me letters, poems, begging to help me with stuff. I would have an easier time if I didn't know he chased he, even after we thought we had worked things out and were doing "good" again. Am I an idiot to stay? We have been married 9 years and have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 5month old. I don't know what to do, I want to leave, but I just never seem to be able to commit to ending it! Please help me!
Mary
Mary, your hurt is still very raw and very fresh. You can't expect to get over that fast. But I think a BIG plus in his favor is that he went to counselling - alone - and wants you to join him. He sounds genuinely remorseful and as if he's trying his best to make amends. I think having to admit it to you has wakened him up to what he's risking losing here. I'm not condoning what he did, but he's not shrugging it all off as being something little.
You have to ask yourself, do I want this marriage to continue? If yes, then you might want to consider going to counseling with him (or alone if you really don't want to do it as a couple) because it will help you sort through all the emotions associated with this. If no, then you have to start thinking about how you're going to rebuild your life. If you're not sure, I'd again suggest the counseling to help you see the options and clarify your thoughts. I'm sorry you have to deal with this ((((hugs)))). You are NOT an idiot, no way! You will do what feels best for you and that's nobody's business but your own. No one can tell you what would be best for you and all we can offer are suggestions but counseling could be worth a try to allow you to get all those emotions out.
< Message edited by fiery -- 1/23/2009 12:30:43 PM >
_____________________________
The Cuckleburr Times
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart... - William Wordsworth
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/23/2009 2:26:36 PM
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ArticlePost
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Thank you guys so much! I always thought if this happened to me it would be an absolute deal breaker but it's so much more complicated than that. I haven't told any family or friends because if I stay, I dont want them to hate him. My cousin went through this last year and I heard how they talked, gossiped and thought she was stupid to stay, despite her small children. Now when she talks about her wonderful husband eyes roll and I didn't realize until now how unfair that is! I have spoken with the counsellor by myself as well as with my husband. It's hard, we have a good day and then I get mad because I think he's getting off to easy so I am cold to him for a day or 2 after, not because I feel that way but because I feel like I am being weak if I don't. I am mad at myself at how easy it is getting to forgive him and make excuses as to how and why it happened. Other sites run obviously by people who haven't gone through this says there is no way he loves me if he did this to me and that I am an idiot to stay. Thank you for supporting me, and not making me feel like a big door mat.
Mary
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Printable Version
My husband, and i seperated for about 6 months because he had cheated on me, I finally decided if I wanted to keep my marriage together, I had to come to terms myself... I eventually forgave him, it took a long time to heal, it was not easy... It took a-lot of counseling on my part, to get to where I could forgive him... Occasionally, I still worry, to tell you the truth... I pray every night for my husband.
