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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/24/2009 7:12:45 PM
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fiery
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Well, it's easy for people to pass judgment from behind the anonymity of a keyboard and lack of personal involvement, Mary. What you should think about is why you feel a need to even give their arguments any weight in your mind. You don't have to, simple as that. They're strangers to you. As I said, not one of us can say what's right or wrong for you and not one of them has to live your life, so don't pay them any mind if it doesn't feel right in your gut (and I include myself in that as well.) Take it, leave it or discard it completely. :)
If you want to keep it between just you two, that's your choice as well. It always bugs me to hear people say "yeah go!" but you don't see them helping with any practical solutions to do so if you wanted to. Try replying " I took your advice and will be coming to live with you. What's your address?" and see how fast they run. That's what I mean about not giving too much weight to the opinion of strangers. :)
I'm glad to hear you're seeing the counselor, that's great. Best of luck with that. And we're always happy to support people around here when we can. Does this mean you'll register and join us as a proper member, huh huh? Now you know the natives are friendly. You'll like us even better once you get to know us more. 
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/26/2009 3:24:53 PM
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momof2
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Thanks Fiery, your absolutely right. I signed up as a member, I didn't realize this was a membership site. Hopefully I will continue to learn from others on this site. My anger has subsided, not disappeared, and we have started to reconnect a little. His parents came for the weekend to watch the kids and we got to go on a date one night and skiing the next. It would be nice to be able to be with him without thinking about the affair, does that ever happen? How long does it take most people? I need to try to not let me thoughts of it turn into anger and sadness. It's almost as if I'm not just mad about the affair now, I've accepted it but I get mad that I still have to think of it and be reminded of it by..well...it seems like everything reminds me of it, and that makes me angry. Then I feel like he needs to know every time I am being haunted by it, I'm sure this isn't very productive in our healing but how do you get rid of it? I just want to forget! Do these feelings go away or do you just learn to bury them or deal with them?
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/26/2009 3:26:34 PM
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momof2
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I should clarify, I used to post using "Mary" now that I'm signed up I'm momof2.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/26/2009 4:14:09 PM
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fiery
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quote:
ORIGINAL: momof2
Thanks Fiery, your absolutely right. I signed up as a member, I didn't realize this was a membership site. Hopefully I will continue to learn from others on this site. My anger has subsided, not disappeared, and we have started to reconnect a little. His parents came for the weekend to watch the kids and we got to go on a date one night and skiing the next. It would be nice to be able to be with him without thinking about the affair, does that ever happen? How long does it take most people? I need to try to not let me thoughts of it turn into anger and sadness. It's almost as if I'm not just mad about the affair now, I've accepted it but I get mad that I still have to think of it and be reminded of it by..well...it seems like everything reminds me of it, and that makes me angry. Then I feel like he needs to know every time I am being haunted by it, I'm sure this isn't very productive in our healing but how do you get rid of it? I just want to forget! Do these feelings go away or do you just learn to bury them or deal with them?
Great to see you join us Mary! :D My honest answer is I don't know, hon, because I've not experienced it myself. I've heard it said though that it can be a lot like a bereavement, where you go through the various stages of denial, anger, grief and acceptance but they get jumbled up and you can go from one to another in the blink of an eye then back again. You're the only one that can go through this and it'll take as long as it takes.
Burying I don't think is the answer but I think you know that, and that's why you're going to the counseling. If you feel he needs to know when you're upset, then I think you're doing the right thing telling him. You know him and your relationship best. It's still communication and much as it hurts you and probably him too, I'd bet my bottom dollar he'd rather know what you were thinking and feeling than have you stay silent and have to try to guess. I know when my husband gets real quiet and I know he's thinking or brooding about something (he's a real worrier) then it kills me to wait for him to be ready to talk.
I don't know if you ever get over or forget something like that, Mary, but I sincerely hope you find some kind of level of peace for yourself you can live with. But I think like bereavement, you can't be expected to get over it overnight.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/28/2009 8:30:47 PM
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ArticlePost
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My husband was caught not by his own omission having a 3mos affair. At the time of his infidelity we had disconnected completely I will admitt. fast forward 2 years we seperated for an ironic 3 mos period I filed for divorce, he came home begging for a chance. I gave him one, tons of counseling, workshops etc. He IS a better man! Please tell give me advice on moving past this, it's better than it was before. But sadly a part of me for him is dead now. Advice anyone??
Hurt
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/29/2009 2:38:41 PM
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momof2
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Hi Hurt,
I am just barely going through this so I can't give you any advice on the long term but I can tell you what seems to be working for me right now. I have taken this opportunity to reconnect with the person I was before I got married. I am more independant, I take better care of myself, even when I'm just at home taking care of the kids all day, I am restoring friendships that I let slide. I am also taking less care of my husband. I used to do everything for him, make all of his appts, make his lunches, do everything for him. I think I was more of a mother figure to him than a wife sometimes and that wasn't healthy. In fact, it seems my husband's insecurity has gone up and mine decreased through this, I know this is probably unusual. I am still bothered by the affair of course but I am maintaining a "dating" attitude until this is worked out, however long that takes. It is easy to "change" but until that change is maintained for a long period of time I can't commit forever to staying. I won't go back to the marriage I had before so it seems "dating" even though we live together still is the only way to try again at this. We go out, are more spontanious and passionate. Not very long ago I couldn't even imagine being in the same bed as him but now I feel like we have a fresh start to try this again avoiding some of the mistakes we made the first 9 years. I guess what I'm trying to do is twist this into something positive for myself and our marriage whereas before I lived in denial about the existing problems in our marriage. Don't try to recapture what you had before, make it new and better and take chances..those parts of you may not be as dead as you think.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/1/2009 9:25:43 PM
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ArticlePost
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Recently I discovered that my husband of two years took another woman with him on a road trip. He was dumb enough to make a video of it. I found it when I checked his email on New Years Eve. I check his email because I have seen in the past where he is on dating sites. After a big fight, we agreed to go to counseling. This was a very, very painful experience. I now check his email about once a week, and his phone. I don't badger him about this, but I stay on top of everything now. He is going to have to do a lot to restore the trust. I have also changed the way I do things for myself. I put myself first again. I am saving my money, just in case, and went back to the gym, and am watching my diet. He, and the marraige have become secondary to everything. My children are grown, so I don't have a lot of the issues that some of the other women here have. I have also decided to get myself a male 'friend' or two. Just in case. HE SWEARS HE WILL CHANGE. He will have to show me. I WANT MY MARRIAGE to last. But, not at the expense of me. I am making him feel this in ways that would really hurt him---finances. Where I was so willing to help out before (I make more than he) I have withdrawn all support. If you have money to spend on women, then you have too much extra money period. I believe I enabled him, I will not do that anymore. He is going to have to work harder, and I am going to have to be a b----, not a door mat. I am mad!!!!!
Marie
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/2/2009 1:24:22 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Many years ago I was a cheating husband. As my wife and I tried to get through her pain, I constantly tried to "feel" what she was feeling. I thought it never would happen until something happened during an occasion of making love. I had thought she was gradually getting to the point where all was forgotten. And then it happened! And I knew then she never would forget! We were sharing wonderful moments of passionate love making. She seemed deeply involved in what we were doing, participating, cooperating, the whole bit. Suddenly, she stopped. No more body movements! No sighs! No moaning! No whispering words of love and caring! As we ceased body movements, still connected, I looked down into her face. And I saw sadness and flowing of tears. And she told me that she could never forget. And I believe I felt her pain. And we devorced. For a while we remained friends. Even had a few dates and late evening of sex. But it was never the same. Now, many years later, she won't even look at me. So I hope all cheaters will think about what ever-lasting results of such misconduct can be. I do believe some broken marriages can be fixed. I think martial sexual misconduct may be the most difficult. And some are worth the efforts of re connecting. But I imagine it can always be difficult. I am in a marriage of many years and the institution can be wonderful. Having a friend called Jesus is of tremendous help.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/2/2009 6:49:05 PM
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ArticlePost
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I am Mary's (momof2)husband and am thankful for that and realize how I've brocken a sacred promise and that their are no magic words to make it better or to hide from what I've done. Mary just told me about this site I am not computer hip but I do thank all of you who have shared your expierences and offer peace and understanding thank you. Their isn't an hour in the day that I don't hate myself for what I've done but I no longer dwell as long on that instead I think of my wife and her patience and understanding and that gives me such a desire to treat her like a lady a queen my heart still hurts and it hurts for her as well I want nothing more than to be a great husband for her it is what she deserves and our daughter deserves to see her mother being treated the way a mother a wife should be treated. I'm sorry to all those who have been cheated on and for my Mary especially I do love you I do. I don't expect miracles in a night but I thank god every night for the miracles I have each day to witness and that is my wife and my kids if she does decide to leave I will understand and will still try to show her that their is still some good left in me but she is here now and I am doing little things I haven't done over the course of our mariage, perhaps trying to plant the seeds a little deeper so the roots grow stronger I love her. Thank you all who have given her support we are very isolated and this helps her so thank you, you are very compassionate people thank you. Sorry about the lack of punctuation.
Greg
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/8/2009 9:37:15 AM
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ArticlePost
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Ishcaboo is the epitome of a non-chalant! How dare he use God in his posts at all? He obviously feels forgiven or he wouldn't be so, "Well, it's happened, there's nothing anyone can do about it now, so forgive and forget." Oh, that makes me so angry. My husband of ten years has cheated on me so viamantly, I am now numb to it. Yes, some people make mistakes. A mistake is a one time occurance. A cheating SOB is someone who continues the affair(s). Just because you confess to it, doesn't make the pain any less for the cheated spouse. Just because your a man, is no excuse either. I have reciprocated my husbands cheating and rubbed it in his face, that is when he began openly discussing his relationships with me. I am a returning college student and we have no children. I have supported him through all of the rough times, including homosexual behavior, drug and alcohol addiction and many lost jobs, all because I thought my marriage was God's Will. Now, I'm bitter and disgusted because as a woman, my approach has always been to support him in almost everything he does and that God would see me through it all. Now, I'm bitter and disgusted and have stopped going to church altogether. All the praying in the world never got me a single positive thing from my husband. We have no physical relationship at all, not my choice. We have no intimacy, also not my choice. We are however, still good friends, because our comfort level is very good. We live in the same house and rarely sleep in the same bed (my choice). I want to vomit every time I think about it. It's a sordid thing. I can't wait to leave him and get on with my life. Ugh; I never thought I would say this, but maybe the new generation has a point. Sleep around until your 40, then get married.
Rebecca
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/20/2009 2:26:54 PM
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ArticlePost
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I dont nowhere to start, I just need to talk to someone who understands. My husband and I have been married 25yrs, been together 26yrs in March. We have had the perfect marraiage, we have 4 children, 1 granson, in all these years we never fought, we would have a difference of opinion, we were best friends, we could talk about anything to each other and not worry bout hurting each others feelings. We have always had the best sex life you could ask for. I knew what was going on but I didn't want to believe it, i knew in my gut. I busted him in Oct. See my situation is a lil different, his relationship was with our son's girlfriend, the mother to our granson,his relationship lasted almost a year. See the girlfriend and granson live with us. I jus turned 41. I have spent my adult life with this man.Im a average looking person. I always had confidence in everything I did.I have always listened to my gut except when it mattered. I have such guilt over all this. I feel I somehow pushed him away,somehow mad him hate me.I have never liked her. She is a poor mother and she will admit that. She is heavy into drugs. She cant hold down a job. She is a slob and lazey. I would ask him bout her so many times and he would turn things on me, so I would feel so guilty over thinking that he would be with her. She would leave letters around for me to find,always talking about him but she wouldnt put his name on the letters. She always found excuses to be alone with him.I felt I had to beg for sex, I felt like I was a third wheel in my marraige for so long. She likes drama, always trying to get his attention. While they were having thier affair, I felt like a nobody, like I didn't matter.I got to go I will finish up later today, Im feeling so low rite now, thank u for letting me ramble
gina
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/20/2009 11:34:56 PM
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ArticlePost
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Im bk, to try to make a long story short,we love each other so, we want r marriage to work. I know we cant go bk to the way we were but im so scared of the future. I trust him but iam so scared all the time, that I will do something that will cause him to do it again. See I can handle the affair but i cant handle the lies, I told him I deserved the trueth, all cards on the table. He told me he didnt know y he did it but he has feelings for her. i told him how mean and cruel he was to me and the kids while this was going on, he said he didnt know he was. He promised me it was us he wanted and we would get through this. In Dec I found where they were still texting, I got very upset and took the kids and left. It was the hardest thing i ever did. While I was gone we texted bk and forth, he begged me to come home, he would cut all ties with her. i did come home that nite. Things were good but they felt off. Well I found out the day I left she was sitting rite by him on the couch and they were messing around while talking to me. This destroyed me. I have never really put her down in front of him, he is the kind of person who has to see things for themselfs. As time went on he started seeing all theses things for himself. His feelings r gone for her. Her feelings are still there, she writes all the time how she loves him and will wait for me to leave and she will be here for him.I never hated her. I felt disgust for her but now I do hate her. He has really went out of his way for me. He is being so kind and sweet. I still feel so low at times, I still feel such guilt over everything, Im so scared all the time. He listens to me and understands and keeps telling me how sorry he is. I feel all Im doing is hurting him all the time. He says he never stoped loving me or never loved me any less.I say thats not true, u cant love someone the way u say u loved me and hurt them like this.I told him he made a mistake. I can forgive but i cant forget.How long do these horrible feelings stay inside eating at u? When will these feelings jus fade away?
gina
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/24/2009 4:15:41 PM
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ArticlePost
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Wow Gina, I am so sorry you have to go through this. All I can say is you need to remember that his affair IS NOT ABOUT YOU! I know it sounds impossible but affairs can happen to good marriages and good people can get lost in having an affair. The pain you feel will lessen but you need to be open to positivity. When I was going through it I would have a better day and then I would feel bad for feeling good and then I'd be mad because I thought I was letting him off too early. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through but you can get through it and be happy again. How long this takes depends a lot on you. Remember that forgiveness is about you letting go of the negativity, it's actually not about him. Don't torture yourself, you did nothing wrong. The affair had nothing to do with you! It is wrong to say that he doesn't love you because he couldn't hurt someone he loves like that. It's just not that simple. I would definately suggest counselling for you and the both of you together. Good luck!
momof2
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/24/2009 10:04:01 PM
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ArticlePost
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Just talking to u helps a lil, thank u so much. I got to get rid of her. I will be doing ok till I see her then here we go again. She still lives here, I kicked her out twice, but eventually let her bk, because of my grandson, she has no family and I cant kick my grandbaby to the curb he is 2 and as innocent as the day is long.Its like she is a constant reminder. She has made it clear that she still wants him and loves him. C its not him I don't trust its her. He has really been doing everything to not b alone with her and sort of being mean to her hoping she will move on. He spends every momenmt he can with me and we leave every chance we can. We r basically raising the granbaby, she is always on drugs, pills mainly. I went out of my way and told her she needs help, some kind of rehab. That we would take care of the baby and support her but she has to get help.I tried to b nice but she hates me as much as I hate her, Im still scared when thay are alone. I think should I go listen, should I jus walk in, should i act like it don't bother me, should i make a big deal out of it, so far it has worked out but I still worry. We have talked about counselling and it is still a possablity. Thank u again for lending me ur ear.
gina
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/25/2009 2:35:05 PM
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ArticlePost
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TO JANE
celena
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 2/28/2009 1:51:29 PM
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ArticlePost
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i also met the woman he was with . she has 5 children and still married to her husband for the past 18 years.the only reason i didnt call her husband and inform him is because she says he beats her and i grew up with an abusive father i wouldnt wish that on anyone.
h
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 3/8/2009 10:31:03 PM
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ArticlePost
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To JMB...I to found out just recently that my husband of 10 yrs. (we been together for 23 yrs.)cheated on me 5 yrs ago with a neighbor. I feel I pushed the two together because her marriage was on the rocks and her mom had just died and she needed someone to talk too! Well what a fool I was...her and her husband at the time were our friends, the only reason that she befriended me was to get to my husband. She would comment on how jealous she was of our relationship, time with our two children etc. She set her sights on him and I kept telling him that she was hot on his tail, and he chose to ignore the warning signs. That is just part of a woman's intuition!!! She'd only stop over when I was out of town for the weekend. When I confronted her with my suspicions she denied the whole thing. Yea, like I would believe her. My husband was torqued at me for not trusting and believing in him! I wanted so badly to believe that nothing had happened, but there always was that feeling that things just aren't right. Well last Oct. my husband left me and our two kids 11 & 5 and moved into his parents basement apartment. He said he was sick of the fights and finances were ugly. And that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of life. I had to deal with our two kids having emotional meltdowns, trying to pick up the pieces of what was left of our family and move on, all the while missing work because of emotional breakdowns and becoming violently ill because of the stress and heartbreak. Really how many times a day can one person throw up? Well I found out...we are back together now, and working things out, but she found out that we had seperated and decided to try to weasel her way back in...she came over one afternoon to tell him that she would "wait forever", and that she could treat him soooo much better than I ever could and did! He told her to get the *@6* out. But I just recently found out that during our seperation that he put his name on her lease for a house because she has bad credit. His response to that was because he felt sorry for her. OOOOW did he once care how the kids and I were doing? Did he care that I couldn't afford to make the mortgage payments and we'd loose the house to foreclosue...I don't know....I do know that her and her best friend are going to try their hardest to break us up. What's next am I going to find the kids' cats boiling in a kettle on the stove??? The woman (and I say that lightly)is psychotic and living in a fantasy world. He knows that the trust is not there anymore, maybe someday but not now. He has cried and told me that he made a huge mistake and that he is going to do anything and everything to prove himself to me because the kids and I are his world. I want so badly to believe him and try not to dwell on it, but there is going to be those moments that can't be helped, when things come flooding back at you...we are getting along really good...I am not letting my guard down just yet, but I don't want to live my life going over it continuesly. Things can't heal that way. He is now taking more time off for the kids and I, something he didn't do alot of before and is making a honest effort on working on us. You and I have alot in commen and I would love to keep in contact and maybe we can help each other through the ruff and tuff times. hope to hear from you soon...The one thing that helped me through the hardest times was I "let go and let God take over" I'm not the most religious person but I do believe in him and when I did that things seemed to "brighten up" a bit. But you have to completely let go of everything and let HIM take over. Don't make the mistake that "two wrongs make a right"...cuz I had thought many times to cheat on him, but that is not going to make matters better, only worse. If you truly love him and vise verse things will eventually come together...I to believe that it can make a better relationship but it's not going to happen overnight and it's going to take effort on both parts. He has listen to me vent my frustration and has listened without getting upset and told me he understands and that I have every right to be feeling the way I do.
S L
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 3/11/2009 6:56:23 PM
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Ishcaboo
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Rebecca, I am a 77 year old overly blessed man. I am truly sorry that you do see God as I do. I detect serious bitterness in you and to this guy who believes in a Hevenly Father, that bitterness can lead to self destruction. The pain, sadness, negativity you fell is obviously of your own doing. To cheat on your huband as a means of paying back hor his cheating is the way losers fight back. You need to control yourself and give God another chance. I believe in Him and have every right to use His name to promote how I feel about forgiveness. I do thank you for acknowledge my using God in my posting.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 3/14/2009 8:44:24 PM
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rh
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Marriage is an institution that appears to have lost it’s sanctity. Infidelity is higher than ever and marriages fail more often than they succeed. Infidelity is of course the biggest reason and while most spouses never find out about their cheating mate, those that do are left devastated and unable to trust. While divorce is the most common result most betrayed spouses did not want to get divorced. They simply couldn’t work through the pain of being betrayed and the residual anxiety of not being able to trust their husband or wife. I’ve written a blog, for those spouses who may have dealt with infidelity or those who suspect it. http://howtomakemarriagework.blogspot.com/
If you care to check it out I would strongly suggest it.
This blog contains some very helpful information including warning signs of possible infidelity as well as some resources you can refer to if you wish to safeguard your marriage from infidelity or repair your marriage after infidelity.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 3/14/2009 8:47:39 PM
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rh
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Sorry...still
< Message edited by rh -- 3/14/2009 8:52:42 PM >
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