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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/28/2009 2:56:54 PM
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ChristineB
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I am so sorry to hear you're story. Have you confronted him? or her?
My guess, without knowing too much, and in no way am I supporting either of their decisions, is that perhaps he was consoling her and one thing led to another?
I would definitely feel betrayed, but if she is your best friend than you know her values and that she must feel awful. Three months is a short time, it sounds like she was reaching out for love and affection and since she was comfortable with your husband she was probably able to substitute his love for her husband and in her grief made a terrible mistake.
Let me know what has happened, if you have talked and how they both feel now. I have been down this road and might offer a tiny bit of comfort....
< Message edited by ChristineB -- 12/28/2009 2:57:29 PM >
_____________________________
The Traveling Pendant
My Mom's dying wish....
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/3/2010 10:49:29 PM
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ArticlePost
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I know of NOTHING that is more inconsiderate,disrespectful to both partners and wish everyone that ever had their spouse or "commited" partner cheat could be free from the pain such brings. Ive lost friends over cheating realizing how strongly i feel. Dont walk,,,,,,,,,,,,RUN ,,,stop to look when youre around the corner!
Daniel
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/4/2010 8:11:57 AM
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ChristineB
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In theory I agree, but sometimes people are not perfect and mistakes happen. I would probably leave, but without looking into it first you may know what actually happened.
_____________________________
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My Mom's dying wish....
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/5/2010 8:36:05 PM
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ArticlePost
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Hi Iam so heart broken......my husband of 20yrs has cheated on me with someone much younger than me. Iam 38 she is 29.....he cheated with her in 2007 til 2008 of july and than I tried to deal with it going to counselling and stufff.....he didn't come nor did I get the support from him. I as a wife and mother of 4 kids with him would nag at him, through the past in his face about her and make comments day after day and casue problems. Than again he cheated with the same person again Feb 2009 until Dec 2009 and now she is pregnant with his child.....I am so alone and I love my husband so much but......I have a mind that is not convincing me to leave...its like i am having a hard time to go.......please anyone out there going through or has been through this please help me give me your expeience and support with this.........crying and sick to gut about this......help me please!!!
Holly.R
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 1/7/2010 2:45:07 PM
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fiery
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ArticlePost
Hi Iam so heart broken......my husband of 20yrs has cheated on me with someone much younger than me. Iam 38 she is 29.....he cheated with her in 2007 til 2008 of july and than I tried to deal with it going to counselling and stufff.....he didn't come nor did I get the support from him. I as a wife and mother of 4 kids with him would nag at him, through the past in his face about her and make comments day after day and casue problems. Than again he cheated with the same person again Feb 2009 until Dec 2009 and now she is pregnant with his child.....I am so alone and I love my husband so much but......I have a mind that is not convincing me to leave...its like i am having a hard time to go.......please anyone out there going through or has been through this please help me give me your expeience and support with this.........crying and sick to gut about this......help me please!!!
Holly.R
Holly, I am so sorry to hear about that. I don't have any answers for you but wanted you to know you can talk to us anytime and we'll support you the best we can. Do you have anyone you can confide in that's close at hand too that can come over and sit with you awhile? I think it would be good to have someone physically there as well.
Please update us on the current situation. Is he wanting to split or stay together or what? That was good that you tried counseling and a shame he wouldn't go. Perhaps you should consider returning to that now for the extra support as well.
Not to be indelicate, but is he sure it's his? Because he's going to be responsible for supporting this child financially no matter who he's with if she goes ahead with the pregnancy. There's no way that can be avoided.
Hugs to you, Holly...I can't imagine what you're feeling right now.
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 3/13/2010 11:08:38 PM
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ArticlePost
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it's important to talk to somebody close to you. I experienced this. My husband cheated on me after 3yrs marriage(or may be before and i didn't know).I did the deaf and dumb wife for three yrs,then I took my son and left him. I decided to divorce but he didn' want to, and kept asking me forgiveness. during a year of separation, I tried to rebuild my life with an other man, but i could'nt.Finally, we got back together for the sake of our son. Now, after 2 yrs, we have an other baby and I discovered that he tried to cheat on me again.The problem is that my husband does it with any woman, and he pretends loving me.I'm sure he loves his kids, but me..not sure.I'm thinking of leaving him again,but somtimes, I think of sacrifiying for my kids. shall I leave or stay?It's comforting to share my story with you
b-maya
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 7/14/2010 11:39:57 AM
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ArticlePost
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I KNOW that BOTH my husband and I are to blame for drifting apart and NOT answering eachother's emotional and physical needs, but I am NOT resposible for his affair! There was a breakdown of communication between us and then-HE had the opportunity to spend time with a pretty young woman(he is about 20 years older than her- typical mid-life stereotype?)who needed him and wanted him who fed him tales of her misery and wanted to be comforted by him. this appealed to his ego and, unfortunately, he was too weak to resist the girl and now thinks she knows him better than I do. (after a few months)He says he has such deep feeling for her. How can he not see she is an illusion? He likes to forget that she, too is married and that her husband probably loves her, too. I don't even know if he knows about them, too. Is he better off being in ignorance of the affair? would I be happier not knowing about it? NO. I knew something was up. There was more distance, less talk and affection between us once the affair began. I felt something was off. I just didn't know or want to believe what it was. What I can't understand, though, is why he never thought to come to me as he BEGAN to be attracted to her? Surely he knew how devastated I would be when I found out. Surely he knew that I WOULD eventually find out? Yet, I believe that this is a false love for him. I believe he does love me, but didn't want things to remain as they were.And, to be honest, I was not completely happy, either, but I thought most of our problems were due to his lack of a career and unemployment. I want us to go to counseling. I think our longstanding commitment to eachother is worth saving.What angers me the most, though, is that HE gets angry at MY anger and mistrust! I AM furious for being betrayed and I would never have done it to HIM. Am I foolish to think we can fix this? It is NOT all anger all the time. In fact, we both have been talking and communicating better and more openly than we have in years. He and I both have low self-esteem issues to address individually and our finances are in terrible shape for several years, which for me, especially, has been too great a burden to bear. Financial trouble, the resentment it begot and low- self -esteem- these are all issues which led to my husband looking for comfort elsewhere. I understand how fun an affair can be. No one worries about finances or driving your kid places or the laundry pile or the endless chores that sharing a home and family can bring.If we didn't have to deal with all of the mess of life every day, and only had to go on dates and have romantic meetings and phone calls, he wouldn't have strayed. We would have been having too much fun & excitement- like new lovers usually do. But that kind of relationship is not our reality. married,with a long history of being there for eachother through thick and through thin, through sickenss and in heal through many ,many good times, emotionally and sexually BUT NOW with a teen and financial distress- This is our reality. Can he see the difference? Can he see how easily he could have had this affair with ANY available pretty girl who wanted him and that THIS one is not really as special as he believes? The love that WE shared for years is what is special.I hope that we can overcome our issues and he will realize that SHE is false love and ours is too real to throw away.If he doesn't agree to counseling, I don't know what I'll do.I still love him.
Emma
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 7/15/2010 2:05:06 PM
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ArticlePost
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any comments on my post?
emma
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 8/11/2010 3:21:42 PM
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ArticlePost
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To the lady who swore her head off about her husband's affair in this post and wanted advice: as you can see I've edited it and removed all the text. This is a family friendly forum. If you want to tell your story again without swearing, you're welcome to. We'll help best we can.
However we don't tolerate foul language here. Kids hang out here and we don't want any of them having to read that. You're angry and hurt, I get that. But you don't need to swear to talk about it. Thank you.
< Message edited by fiery -- 8/13/2010 11:06:53 PM >
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 8/13/2010 11:35:58 PM
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fiery
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ArticlePost
I KNOW that BOTH my husband and I are to blame for drifting apart and NOT answering eachother's emotional and physical needs, but I am NOT resposible for his affair! There was a breakdown of communication between us and then-HE had the opportunity to spend time with a pretty young woman(he is about 20 years older than her- typical mid-life stereotype?)who needed him and wanted him who fed him tales of her misery and wanted to be comforted by him. this appealed to his ego and, unfortunately, he was too weak to resist the girl and now thinks she knows him better than I do. (after a few months)He says he has such deep feeling for her. How can he not see she is an illusion? He likes to forget that she, too is married and that her husband probably loves her, too. I don't even know if he knows about them, too. Is he better off being in ignorance of the affair? would I be happier not knowing about it? NO. I knew something was up. There was more distance, less talk and affection between us once the affair began. I felt something was off. I just didn't know or want to believe what it was. What I can't understand, though, is why he never thought to come to me as he BEGAN to be attracted to her? Surely he knew how devastated I would be when I found out. Surely he knew that I WOULD eventually find out? Yet, I believe that this is a false love for him. I believe he does love me, but didn't want things to remain as they were.And, to be honest, I was not completely happy, either, but I thought most of our problems were due to his lack of a career and unemployment. I want us to go to counseling. I think our longstanding commitment to eachother is worth saving.What angers me the most, though, is that HE gets angry at MY anger and mistrust! I AM furious for being betrayed and I would never have done it to HIM. Am I foolish to think we can fix this? It is NOT all anger all the time. In fact, we both have been talking and communicating better and more openly than we have in years. He and I both have low self-esteem issues to address individually and our finances are in terrible shape for several years, which for me, especially, has been too great a burden to bear. Financial trouble, the resentment it begot and low- self -esteem- these are all issues which led to my husband looking for comfort elsewhere. I understand how fun an affair can be. No one worries about finances or driving your kid places or the laundry pile or the endless chores that sharing a home and family can bring.If we didn't have to deal with all of the mess of life every day, and only had to go on dates and have romantic meetings and phone calls, he wouldn't have strayed. We would have been having too much fun & excitement- like new lovers usually do. But that kind of relationship is not our reality. married,with a long history of being there for eachother through thick and through thin, through sickenss and in heal through many ,many good times, emotionally and sexually BUT NOW with a teen and financial distress- This is our reality. Can he see the difference? Can he see how easily he could have had this affair with ANY available pretty girl who wanted him and that THIS one is not really as special as he believes? The love that WE shared for years is what is special.I hope that we can overcome our issues and he will realize that SHE is false love and ours is too real to throw away.If he doesn't agree to counseling, I don't know what I'll do.I still love him.
Emma
(If you use paragraphs, people are more likely to read your post Emma. No one likes reading a wall of text.)
Okay so...his anger at your anger is simply misdirection. Of course you don't trust him! And it's easier for him to twist it around than accept that he's responsible for your anger. Fight fire with fire so to speak.
She'll tire of him anyway. A man 20 years older isn't much fun when he's not wanting to party all night long or enjoy the same kind of music or movies. It's hard to converse with someone when you have LP's older than they are. Right now I'd guess it's the illicit thrill that's holding her interest and nothing more.
Her husband probably, like you, is aware something's going on. It's only a matter of time until he finds out. Whether you make that happen sooner rather than later is your call but be aware that some partners tolerate affairs and don't welcome being forced into responding to one that they already know about.
You could go to counseling yourself even if he doesn't want to. It would help you sort through your own feelings about all this with an unbiased professional. You would think after you being together so many years he would be willing to try it at least. If nothing else it will help you both decide how to move forward.
The main thing to sort out now is how to lift the stress of the financial burden you're both under. You both need a plan of some kind. Get expert help on that. Go see your bank manager or a debt counseling association and ask them what they can do to help you get things back on track. I think that could be the crux of the breakdown and if he stays and you both don't address it, nothing will improve. Even though it will take a long time to resolve, just taking action alone can be empowering and will make you both feel better.
Why isn't he working? You said "I thought most of our problems were due to his lack of a career and unemployment." Undoubtedly that has a lot to do with it.
I agree with what you said about how we could all be romantic if we didn't have laundry etc to think about. I've had this discussion before with my own husband. It doesn't need to cost money. I'm happy to have an evening of just us watching a movie and cuddling on the couch. It's the togetherness that matters but if I can have some notice, I'd enjoy it a lot more!
I believe that men don't realize just how much women do. We never stop. And if we do stop, we're thinking. And if we're thinking about the laundry and what to defrost or birthdays or when to go pay something and everybody wants our attention, that's not exactly putting us in a romantic mood. Especially if we feel overwhelmed with chores and to-do lists.
But if he'd say to me let's get a movie or go out to eat or whatever on Friday, and help me in between times so I can enjoy it rather than be thinking about everything that's undone while I'm taking a break, then I'd organize the rest of my time around that and look forward to it.
The thing about romance is that when you've got a family, you both need to help each other to make time for it and plan. It sounds unromantic but it's not. It's just planning a date night ahead of time. We get so caught up in the day to day stuff we forget to tend to our own needs and closeness is one of them.
Keep us posted, emma. And take care of yourself while all this is going on too.
< Message edited by fiery -- 8/13/2010 11:39:48 PM >
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 8/25/2010 1:21:45 PM
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ArticlePost
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My wife believes that I cheated because I was advising a co worker on how to deal with her problems. I never kissed her, never held her hand and never had sex with her. I was just trying to be a mentor but unfortunately there was a significant amount of text messages between me and my co worker. My wife found out about the large number of text messages. Now, my my spouse is accusing me of doing things that I had never imagined. I am not an infidel and that never even crossed my mind. It's been over a year and my wife is still going through the grieving process. I am having a lot of ups and downs in my relationship. We were even separated for three months. I have tried everything to get her back but it has been extremely difficult. Will her feeling of betrayal ever fade? Will I ever get my wife back? I don't know what else to do.
Kawa Bunga
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 8/27/2010 1:24:57 PM
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ChristineB
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Hi there Kawa Bunga, it sounds like she must have feelings of infidelity before this, or perhaps...and I am basing my thoughts on only your one post, but perhaps she is using this as a reason to seperate?
I would suggest counseling for sure to get to the bottom of what's going on. I'm here though, and been there so let me know if I can help....
_____________________________
The Traveling Pendant
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/5/2010 8:00:20 PM
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ArticlePost
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My heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through, You are still young eneogh to find a life of your own. I know it is hard when their are children involved. But your husband is still responsible support and financial for the children as well as for you. No matter what anyone says, you did not do anything wrong in order to make him have an affair. That was of his own choosing. I have been there, I thought I had the perfect marraige. Had 100 percent faith in my husband untill I found out he had a 8 yr relatation ship with a women of 23 he was 50. When I caught on to what was going on he said she was just a friend and he was trying to help her get out of a rut. He met her in a srip club and she had a child. When I found out he said he did not want to give her up in case I kicked him out. Well I told him to go and decide which life he wanted. He later phoned me and told me he wanted the same life I wanted.. Well guess what. I took him back only to find out the second time he was back at it again. I guess you could say I was in denial. Not to go into all the details, but believe it or not I took him back the second and third time. Well he is still with me and came down with cancer one year ago. Yes I took care of him. but I will tell you if I had to do it all over again I would have not taken him back the second time. For the past three years all I can think about is what is he up to. We live in the same house. We have not been intimeate for over two years. Our expenses we each pay half. We dont do any fun things togethere anymore. So I guess what I am trying to tell you is that is does not get anybetter. Both of my children told me to get a life for myself but I loved my husband too and could not leave. Now I am saving my money (as he spent all of our savings on this other person) for my escape. So my dear get professional help and remember you are worth more than he has given you credit for.Good luck and remember the furture is yours for the takeing.
Sal
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/5/2010 8:19:17 PM
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ArticlePost
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Hi Kawa BungaSorry but there are all kinds of infidely and your is still on of them. No matter what you say you still had no right mentor another peson if you did not have the qualifications to do so. You should have advised her to speak with someoe in her family that she trusted or her doctor. And my feeling is that eventually you would have ended up have a furthere relation ship with her. (which my instincts are telling me readig between the lines of you blog. Been there done that!!!!
been there
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/9/2010 9:24:28 AM
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ChristineB
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Hmmm, in hindsight that all makes sense, but in the moment not so much. I think it's ok to ask the advice of friends, but perhaps not lean so heavily on them.
Again, hindsight is 20/20.
_____________________________
The Traveling Pendant
My Mom's dying wish....
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/27/2010 5:24:52 PM
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ArticlePost
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I have been married only for a year and recently discovered that my husband cheated on me with a 19 year old and a 23 year old. I am 26 he is 46. I discovered that he cheated in his 2 previous marriages as well. I filed for divorce but lately I ve been having second thoughts wondering if I am doing the right thing. After I left he would text me about missing me, tell me when he was going home, that he was crying and praying, sleeping on the couch, etc. Then I find out he's been having the 23 old over at the house and making inappropriate comments to women at work. We work in the same company. My head tells me to divorce and move on, he's not going to change, but my heart is in pain and doesn't know what to do I sit here hoping for him to call, tell me he's sorry, tell me he made a mistake, but he hasn't and probably won't. I don't know why I can't let go.
Uribe
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 9/28/2010 5:26:51 PM
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ArticlePost
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I just found out a few months ago my husband has had an on and off affair for 10yrs. He said mostly it was an emotional affair, tried the sexual part, but he felt too guilty to continue sexually with this woman. The woman was a friend of mine and then our spouses and children became friends. I found emails of the two of them professing their love and plans to be together . I found them in 2010 but the emails were written in 08. He said the last 2 yrs hes been trying to end it and its over. We had to relocate so at least were out of the same state. I feel so betrayed but we have children and hate to break up our home. He doesnt want a divorce and states he doesnt love her. He said hes always loved me but just the last few years been in love with me. Im a christian and know Im to forgive but Im so miserable and at times dream of getting away. Weve beeen married 19yrs.
cynthia
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 10/6/2010 10:47:36 AM
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ArticlePost
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my husband had an affair for 6 months with a mother on the school bus route he had. she was a hot little momma of 4 kids. he is a friendly flirtatious kind of person but she took his flirts seriously and went looking for him when he stopped driving her kids to school. she came onto him, apparently her husband cheated on her a year earlier and he fell for her hook line and sinker. we've been married for 13 years and have two small children including an autistic son. and when i cought him (he was mean to me and i saw him texting someone and for the first time in 13 years i checked his cell phone and low and behold i found her picture along with a text talking about lovemaking). so when i confronted him about it he didnt deny it and said he would end it immediately which he did. said he was infatuated with her beauty and couldnt believe a woman like her was interested in a man like him, which is a zinger to my self esteem. obviously he doesnt have much self esteem and her ego stroking must have sent him into orbit. she is completely opposite of me physically, i am a bigger girl than her and she is a petite dark haired italian looking girl and is married to a man who is rich and they live in a mansion. she has money to maintain herself with no problem. unfortunately he wasn't good at hiding i found naked pictures of her on our home computer so ive gotten to see her from head to toe and everything in between. i do believe he wont do it again but even though i say that, i still dont trust him and am petrified he's going to hurt me again. i cant help but see her in my mind and images of them in the sleezy motel they went to every couple of weeks. and doing things to him and vice versa. ive been in therapy for over a year now and am still having such a hard time with it. i dont want to give up on our marriage but sometimes i feel that i have no option because its just so painful. he says he loves me and doesnt want to leave me and is sorry and wishes he could take it back but i just want it all to go away!! i wish i could take mind eraser pills!! its already been a year and four months since i cought him!!
hurt and betrayed
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/1/2010 7:00:23 PM
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ArticlePost
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I'm really in a quandry regarding what to do if anything. My husband left his email open and I learned that he has been writing to men to meet for encounters lets say. He meets these men on a different dating sites, most of them are married but right now he has involved himself with a guy in town who is also married. They are very explicit about what they want from each other and why they are seeking men for this. Both my husband and this man wrote about their fear of getting caught and losing their families and reputations. I` just dont get this. I'm overwhelmed with anger, rejection and humiliation but mostly this thing has really taken a huge swipe at my own feelings of attractiveness and self esteem. The relationship sounds entirely sexual as neither claim to want complications or leave us (the wives) Looking online I'm learning that this bisexual thing is really more common than I knew. I'm a mess and I dont know where to begin and what to do. We have business partnerships, investments etc that are going to take a nasty hit and maybe even go under if we split, I dont want to give up my home yet I dont know if I want to live with him there. Its crazy, I cant talk to anyone about this and feel so isolated and in pain
confused and degraded
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RE: Why Women Stay With Cheating Husbands - 12/2/2010 11:59:28 AM
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ChristineB
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Hi there, I would feel the same way. I would say if you feel safe enough and strong enough to ask him about it then do it. You have to be safe and you need to make sure he is being safe as well...if he is actually meeting these men.
_____________________________
The Traveling Pendant
My Mom's dying wish....
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