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Newbie Needs Advice - 6/7/2011 4:48:31 PM
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WorkingWidow
Posts: 3
Joined: 6/7/2011
Status: offline
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I would like to know how other "working widows" or married single moms deal with this type of "life." My story is I've been married for almost ten years. We have a 9 month old daughter. My hubby is a LTL driver. Meaning, he is physically home almost every day. However, that is where the problem starts. He's gone for work from 8 p.m. to noon. Comes home, eats and goes to sleep. Wakes up eats and leaves for work. Whatever time he does have is spent outside smoking. (There's nothing wrong with smoking, I'm a smoker too.) He spends less than 30 minutes a day with his daughter. He will walk right past her. On Sunday, his only real day off, he is ALWAYS outside or gone. He always tells me he needs a break. "Give me a break." When he is in the house he nags about why things aren't done. He has it in his head that he shouldn't have to cook, clean, or help out at all. He has even stopped bringing the trash to the road, it's less than a hundred feet. To make things worse, he nags about the house not being spotless and how I take care of her. But he doesn't help. He might change two diapers a month. And he gave her a bath one time. He refuses to help so bad, I had to spend 15 minutes putting her carseat back together, I took it apart to wash it, so I could go 1/4 mile down the street and back. It took 45 minutes to make a 3 minute trip. All because he needed a break and to play on his computer.
Additionally, I have no one. My parents have stopped talking to me. His family lives out of town. We have no friends or anything. So I have literally been with my daughter every minute of every day. I can't get a haircut because he won't watch her. He makes good money. I pay for groceries and get a little unemployment. But he complains that I don't help him with money. He forgets when he didn't work for over two years with no unemployment.
I am about two seconds from packing up and moving out. I love him, but this is ridiculous. My house is tiny so every noise she makes he hears. If she wakes him up, he is on the war path until he leaves. My daughter derserves two parents, but I deserve to not cry every day.
I also know 0 about babies. I have no idea what she needs, should be doing, or wants. I cannot take any more. Almost a year, every minute of every day. I am so close to flipping my lid, I need advice.
PLEASE HELP!
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RE: Newbie Needs Advice - 6/8/2011 11:32:34 PM
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fiery
Posts: 5730
Joined: 11/4/2007
Location: in front of my computer
Status: offline
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Hi WorkingWidow, nice to meet you and welcome. Have you thought about joining any local playgroups? There's usually quite a few in communities. That would get you out of the house, give you and your daughter a change of scene, give him the chance to rest and you'd have other moms to talk to that can help and understand what you're going through.
Talk to your doctor too. You may be suffering from post-natal depression. It can last for a few years beyond the actual birth. Their office will also have a list of children's playgroups probably. All moms need to have playdates arranged to give them a breather.
Now what do you need to know about understanding your daughter's needs and wants? Ask specific questions please and we'll help best we can.
Let's sort out you and your daughter first. Hubby can come later.
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RE: Newbie Needs Advice - 6/9/2011 3:48:04 PM
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WorkingWidow
Posts: 3
Joined: 6/7/2011
Status: offline
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Thank you. I have tried to find play groups. I have asked people, but no one will let me know. Everything seems to be centered around their church. Her dr is 30 minutes away and impossible to be involved over there. As for me, I don't have insurance. So I have to just make my way through it.
My daughter is almost 10 months. She is crawling, standing, and trying to walk. I don't know what things to do with her. Right now I just kinda let her go, and just keep her from hurting herself.
I have a hard time finding a balance. Between her and everything else, I am busy from when I get up, about 9 a.m. to midnight. I try to get things done, but have to chase her around, so that doesn't happen.
I realize people have been having kids for a long time, and it is supposed to be natural to know what to do. I have never been around babies to know what they need.
Besides my utter frustration, I feel that I am not doing the best for her. I know she needs to be around people besides me, and needs to learn things, but how do I know what those things are?
I have the basics, food, cleanliness, safety, covered, it's everything else that I don't know, and have no one to ask. No one has actually seen her since Thanksgiving. (I am not one who has to have her kid every second, I just don't have anyone.)
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RE: Newbie Needs Advice - 6/9/2011 11:12:46 PM
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fiery
Posts: 5730
Joined: 11/4/2007
Location: in front of my computer
Status: offline
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You know what, I think you're being too tough on yourself. Nobody is a natural parent, not one of us! We all had to learn and whether we did it through family advice, learning to trust our own instincts, online via parent education sites or whatever, doesn't matter. We all learned bit by bit and sometimes it can get very overwhelming when you feel everyone else knows what they are doing and you don't!
I know when my son was young I'd have times when I'd look at him and say "sorry son, you drew the short straw getting me!". Everyone else seemed to be managing the whole home/work/family balance a heck of a lot better than I was! So you're not alone in feeling like that.
It's natural to worry if you're doing the right thing and what it comes down to is this: if she's happy and healthy, she's doing just fine. You can always come here and post if she's doing something and you don't know what she wants/needs and we'll try help you figure it out.
And btw, those other parents that seem so together worry about if they're doing it right same as you do. I'm sure the others here will back me up on this. :)
Look online for ideas on how to keep a tot occupied and stimulated. Does she have a playpen you can put her in sometimes to play with toys and let you do other things? I thought mine was a godsend because it let me work around the house without having the little guy attached to my hip. I'd just move it from room to room with me and when I wanted to jump in the tub for a soak if my husband was working I'd sit him in the car seat and put that beside the bathtub.
Here's some activity ideas for 1 year olds since she's almost that age:
http://www.ivillage.com/skill-building-activities-1-year-old/6-a-144835
http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Learning_Play_Your_1/
(great site, look around this one for developmental milestones to help you see how she's doing)
Parenting.com also has a great Baby section.
http://www.parenting.com/baby
Why has no-one seen her since Thanksgiving? Was it then you and your parents stopped talking? Tell us how that came about please if you don't mind sharing.
And there are other ways to combat depression without meds. Fresh air and exercise are a huge help, as it getting a decent sleep and eating right. It would do you both good to take a walk round the block or just sit outside when it's not too hot in the yard and spend time in the park.
Have you tried any relaxation methods or meditation perhaps? Those can be good for depression too as well as just helping you de-stress.
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RE: Newbie Needs Advice - 6/10/2011 2:08:08 AM
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WorkingWidow
Posts: 3
Joined: 6/7/2011
Status: offline
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Thanks again. As short as possible. My parents kicked me out 10 years ago b/c I was dating my now husband. he's older and a different race. When we kinda got over that, they went right back to their old ways. I don't exactly understand why they act so bad towards me, but I found it better to cut them off completely. Since I couldn't have a healthy relationship with them, I chose no relationship. If you've ever seen the movie "The Good Son" with Elijah Wood & McCauly Calken, you'll understand. My brother is the good son. The total cut off has been a realitivly new development. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The town we live in is very stuck up. Everyone is better than the next. Everyone we've met since we've been here has has another agenda besides just being friends.
When she was born, my parents created a big specticle the whole weekend at the hospital, I had a CSection. When I came home, business as usual. My hubby had to work, and no one was there for me or her. And it has been that way ever since. I love her with everything in me, but I thought having a kid would be wonderful and enjoyable. I am literally on my own with her every second of every day.
I have a play pen, and when she wants to be in it, she's happy. With my hubby working nights and sleeping during the day, and the extremely small size of our house, he can and will hear her when she screams and fusses. I have given up on a clean house or anything during the day.
Every day, usually after midnight, I try to get an hour or two to sit on my porch and relax. I'm not really too worried about me, at least about curing the depression. I am more worried about having a nervous breakdown. I've tried telling my hubby but he doesn't care to understand.
I am sure glad to hear I haven't scared her for life yet. The sites will be great help. With my limited knowledge, she seems to be pretty advanced, and I don't want to stifle her b/c I dunno.
I really am not trying to sound like I have a problem for every answer. Things are just severly messed up here, and I'm pretty sure it's b/c I'm frazzled. 10 months with no car, social outings, sleep, or peace while spending all day taking care of my grown husband and/or child has me ready scream.
I cannot express how appriciative I am of your advice. Thank you so much
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RE: Newbie Needs Advice - 8/17/2011 9:38:13 PM
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fiery
Posts: 5730
Joined: 11/4/2007
Location: in front of my computer
Status: offline
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You're very welcome, WorkingWidow. I think you're doing great under trying circumstances. You know you can always vent here. And you don't sound like you have a problem for every answer, no worries. :) Sorry for the slow answer, I've had a rough week family wise.
I hear ya on the better no relationship than a bad one, and I'm proud of you for having the courage to do that. You're stronger than you think, see? :)
Let's talk practicalities. What do you have within walking distance if it was just you and the baby in a buggy? What kinds of amenities, anything at all? Shops, parks, library, water etc etc.
Is there any way you could get a car, even just an old banger to get you around? It would make a big difference if you could be mobile I think and get you and/or you both out of the house once in a while. Then you could join playgrounds and such things.
Also, have you looked online to see what's available locally for moms to attend? I'm thinking that could be how to sell the idea of a car to your husband if you think he'd be reluctant: he could get more sleep if you both were out of the house more, but to do that you would need transportation to get from home to playground or the library or whatever for a couple of hours.
That said, your husband can't expect you to keep a one year old quiet all the time. He should wear earplugs or headphones playing soft music/white noise if he's that light a sleeper. Seriously, they do help. If you could try and arrange the little one's nap time around when he's sleeping too and grab a nap yourself at the same time, that could work. You'd all sleep better I'm sure.
My husband worked nights before, so I appreciate what you're saying about giving up on a clean house. It's hard to get anything done because everything's noisy like vacuuming or doing laundry. Even washing dishes without clattering the pots and pans slightly is hard. Thing is, that can add to your depression. I know I get really down when mine is cluttered and untidy.
And WorkingWidow? Remember Rome wasn't built in a day. :) It'll take time to feel better and it's all baby steps that will get you there.
You need to find something to call your own. I think that's important here, because I get the feeling you think you're losing your identity in all this. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. It's helpful to reinforce your sense of self when you're depressed and I feel right now you're seeing that slip away. Yes? No? I may be way off, and if I am tell me. If not, time to rein it back in. :)
Got any hobbies you could do at home or online, anything you used to enjoy that's fallen by the wayside?
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